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Date: Sat, 01 Jun 2013 02:16:06 +0200
From: selpa'i <seladwa@gmx.de>
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Subject: Re: [lojban] A Short Story
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la tsani cu cusku di'e
> Hello everyone, I've just written a short story (~1000 words) in Lojban.

Yay, more Lojban text! :)

> Please tell me what you think!

*SPOILERS*

It's a nice read, indeed. The story takes a rather sudden, and 
ultimately sad turn, despite the easygoing introduction.

My impressions, in bullet points, and uncensored:

* The comma as a structure mark seems to be taking root in lo jbogu'e
* I see you're using {je} to connect sumti, but still used {gi'e} in 
another place. You also use {.e} somewhere. Maybe a remnant of your 
recent adoption of the proposal.
* Ah, {nonselkansa}. I see that you, like me, are reluctant to use 
{nonkansa} for "alone", despite its being shorter. {nonkansa} seems to 
just *scream* {kansa no da} (which even is a potentially useful meaning 
to have), so seeing {nonselkansa} here felt quite homey.
* I'm still not a fan of {goi} in literary works, but style is style, so 
I won't complain. However, the assigned ko'a and ko'e only get used 
three times each, and close vicinity of the assignment.
* I saw some {me X mei} that surprised me, and I'm not sure they are 
correct/intentional: {lo me lo vorme mei cu tavysi'u}, for one. (I'd 
welcome some more discussion in the me SUMTI mei thread, because I've 
got some more things to talk about, but I understand that you are busy). 
Also, for some reason, there is some weird beauty to {mei} in {me X mei} 
(although I couldn't make sense of it), but I might simply need some 
sleep. It's really just a visual thing with {mei}, .u'e
* I like that you're taking more liberties (maybe because it's a 
literary work). The style is a bit more easygoing than your usual style.
* It seems you are now on board with the na-scope.
* Exclamation points! (in sai or cai sentences, could easily catch on)
* You tend to place {.i} after {lu}. I tend to never do so.
* The {be} maneuver to rearrange places doesn't cause trouble. (One of 
my recent posts on my blog seems relevant though, "the x2 rule")
* {fi'o se casnu lo na'e te jimpe be fi lu'a lo mensi simxu} was 
amusing, in a good way. Obviously I wasn't amused by what happened after 
that.
* Lots of _nicknames_ in the story (sorry, couldn't resist :P)
* {lo vacri cu binxo lo ka se rirxe lo titla dukse ckafi} is beautiful.

Okay, that's it. Time for some sleep!

Thank you for sharing your story,

mu'o mi'e la selpa'i

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