From LOJBAN%CUVMB.bitnet@YaleVM.YCC.YALE.EDU Sat Mar 6 22:52:13 2010 Received: from YALEVM.YCC.YALE.EDU by MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU via SMTP; Mon, 5 Apr 1993 14:03:59 -0400 Received: from CUVMB.CC.COLUMBIA.EDU by YaleVM.YCC.Yale.Edu (IBM VM SMTP V2R2) with BSMTP id 3064; Mon, 05 Apr 93 14:04:18 EDT Received: from CUVMB.COLUMBIA.EDU by CUVMB.CC.COLUMBIA.EDU (Mailer R2.07) with BSMTP id 5145; Mon, 05 Apr 93 14:00:09 EST Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1993 18:28:25 BST Reply-To: C.J.Fine@BRADFORD.AC.UK Sender: Lojban list From: C.J.Fine@BRADFORD.AC.UK Subject: Re: TEXT.REV: Beowulf To: Erik Rauch Status: OR X-From-Space-Date: Mon Apr 5 14:03:59 1993 X-From-Space-Address: @YaleVM.YCC.YALE.EDU:LOJBAN@CUVMB.BITNET Message-ID: I never made time to look at John's Beowulf the first time round - it's a fine piece, but I have some comments still on this version. > > Fyrst forth gewat. Flota waes on ythum > Time on departed. Floater was on waves > le temci cu fasnu .i le fulta be le boxna Not convinced that a temci can fasnu, or what I would make of this if I came to it cold: "The time interval was an event"? How about 'zenba' or 'cfari'? > > bat under beorge. Beornas gearwe > boat under hill. Men eager > cu cnita le cmaca'a .i le ribnau djica 'cnita' is glossed "Directly ... down from". 'dizlo fi? 'ribnau djica' is excellent. > > on stefn stigon. Streamas wundon > on prow strode. Currents rolled > cu badydzu le lotcra .i le flecu cu gu'orgau > > sund with sande. Secgas baeron > swimming [=sea] against sand. Men bore > le canre le se limna .i le nanmu cu bevri > > on bearm nacan beorhte fraetwe > into bosom of-boat bright trappings > fi le cutne be le bloti fe le carmi taxfu > > guth-searo geatolic. Guman ut scufon > war-gear wellmade. Men out thrust > poi jamymai xagmau .i le nanmu cu batcatke > > weras on wil-sith wudu bundenne. > adult-males on wish-journey timber fastened. > .i le nanmu pe le djinunkla le mudri cu lasna > > Gewat tha ofer waeg-holm winde gefysed > Departed then over wave-sea [by] wind urged > .i ca cliva fi le bonxamsi bai le brife 'bai' is good. Not sure I've ever seen it used before. > > flota famig-heals fugle gelicost, > floater foamy-neck to-bird most-like > fa le fulta fomcnebo poi smirai lo cipni 'noi', surely? > > oththaet ymb an-tid othres dogres > until after due-time of-second day > .ipu'obo ba le ra'artei pe le remoi djedi TO me 'ipu'obo' means "Beforehand..." I'm still confused about ZAhO in other than sumti tcita position. I'm not sure about 'srana': 'mapti'? > > wunden-stefna gewaden haefde, > curved-prow advanced had, > le selkruvi lotcra cu crane klama > > thaet tha lithende land gesawon > that these voyagers land saw > .ije le litru le tumla cu viska > > brim-clifu blican beorgas steape, > surf-cliffs gleaming hills steep, > .i xaskoi sraca'a tergusni .i cmaca'a badysalpo 'badysalop' presumably for 'salpo be lo barda', but that's not what it suggests to me. I can't think of a better lujvo though. > > side sae-naessas. Tha waes sund-lidan > long sea-capes. then it-was for-sea-voyager [=boat] > .i clani cfine .icabo le xasxelklama > > eoletes aet ended. Thanon up hrathe > of-waterway[?] at end. Thence up quickly > le jacplu cu fanmo .ito'obo fi'o sutra I don't see that the xasxelklama is a fanmo, but I'm not sure what part it is playing in the sentence. How about: ".icabo le xasxelklama jacplu cu se fanmo" More important, the one clear error in the piece: .ito'obo fi'o sutra KU otherwise the fi'o sutra swallows the Wether geats. I like .ito'obo very much (though I had to look it up!) > > Wedera leode on wang stigon, > Wederish people on plain strode, > le la .uederas. prenu le pitytu'a cu badydzu I don't like "le la .uederas. prenu" because that means "le prenu pe la .uederas.", and I think it's rather "le prenu po'u la .uederas." " le mela ..." might do it? > > sae-wudu saeldon. Syrcan hrysedon > sea-timber roped. Shirts rattled > .i le xasymudri cu se skola'a .i le creka cu se sance > > guth-gewaedo. Gode thancedon > war-raiment. God thanked > .i jamna taxfu .i fe le cevni cu ckire I don't like "jamna taxfu" as a separate sentence. How about ".i le creka noi se sance cu jamna taxfu" > > thaesthe him yth-lade eathe wurdon. > that for-them wave-passage easy proved. > le nu le nanmu le bo'arnunkla cu se frili > > Colin