Date: Fri, 7 Nov 1997 13:12:24 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <199711071812.NAA02477@locke.ccil.org> Reply-To: John Cowan Sender: Lojban list From: John Cowan Organization: Lojban Peripheral Subject: Re: seitu'a lu la .eim. li'u X-To: Lojban List To: John Cowan Status: OR X-Mozilla-Status: 0011 Content-Length: 877 X-From-Space-Date: Fri Nov 7 13:12:50 1997 X-From-Space-Address: LOJBAN@CUVMB.CC.COLUMBIA.EDU Mark Vines wrote "la .eim.". A few small points: > Each line has 12 syllables, the 2nd, 5th, 8th & > 11th of which should be stressed. If the stressed syllable of a cmavo immediately precedes a brivla, a pause must intervene. Your rule as stated above requires two more pauses: in line 2, for "vu drata" read "vu. drata", and in line 5, for "lo drata" read "lo. drata". "je'a mi speni" in line 4 is ungrammatical, and needs to be "je'abo mi speni"; the preceding "je" can be dropped to preserve the rhythm. Technically, the "ko" in line 11 is not yet bound by the "doi mi" in line 12, but I think that this deviation is perfectly allowable in poetry. Otherwise: Bravo! A very subtle poem, particularly in its use of unexpected and exact lujvo. -- John Cowan http://www.ccil.org/~cowan cowan@ccil.org e'osai ko sarji la lojban