Message-ID: <34634A91.2149@locke.ccil.org> Date: Fri, 07 Nov 1997 12:06:25 -0500 From: John Cowan Organization: Lojban Peripheral X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.0 (WinNT; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Lojban List Subject: Re: seitu'a lu la .eim. li'u References: <199711071524.KAA24780@locke.ccil.org> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Mozilla-Status: 0011 Content-Length: 840 X-From-Space-Date: Fri Nov 07 12:06:26 1997 X-From-Space-Address: - Mark Vines wrote "la .eim.". A few small points: > Each line has 12 syllables, the 2nd, 5th, 8th & > 11th of which should be stressed. If the stressed syllable of a cmavo immediately precedes a brivla, a pause must intervene. Your rule as stated above requires two more pauses: in line 2, for "vu drata" read "vu. drata", and in line 5, for "lo drata" read "lo. drata". "je'a mi speni" in line 4 is ungrammatical, and needs to be "je'abo mi speni"; the preceding "je" can be dropped to preserve the rhythm. Technically, the "ko" in line 11 is not yet bound by the "doi mi" in line 12, but I think that this deviation is perfectly allowable in poetry. Otherwise: Bravo! A very subtle poem, particularly in its use of unexpected and exact lujvo. -- John Cowan http://www.ccil.org/~cowan cowan@ccil.org e'osai ko sarji la lojban