take it all in hd

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They say that there are none so blind as those who will not see. In the days and weeks that followed, I realised that I had been unwilling, or maybe unable, to see what was glaringly obvious. Far from wanting to leave me, Bob had been desperate to help ease my pain and get me on the road to recovery. Hed given me space to recover. But hed also been nursing me without my knowledge. Belle told me that whenever I was asleep in my room, Bob would check up on me. He would lie on my chest and even run checks every now and again. Hed give you a little tap on the forehead and wait for you to react. I think he just wanted to make sure you were still with us, she smiled. At other times, she told me, he would wrap himself around my leg. It was as if he was trying to apply a tourniquet or something. It was like he wanted to take away the pain, she said. You would never lie still long enough for him to stay there for long. But he knew where the pain was and was definitely trying to do something about it. I hadnt seen any of this. What was worse, whenever Bob had tried to help or comfort me when I was awake, Id driven him away. Id been selfish. Bob loved and needed me as much I loved and needed him. I wouldnt forget that. Lying in bed for days on end had focussed my mind on something else as well. A few weeks after I was back on my feet, I took the most important step Id made in years. Perhaps in my entire life. When Id actually heard the words at a regular appointment with my drug counsellor at the specialist dependency unit in Camden, theyd not sunk in at first. I think youve reached the finishing line, James, hed said. Sorry what do you mean? Im going to write you your final prescription. A few more days of taking your medication and I think youll be ready to call yourself clean. Id been attending the clinic for several years now. Id arrived there a mess, addicted to heroin and on a fast track to an early grave. Thanks to a brilliant collection of counsellors and nurses, Id been hauling myself back from the brink ever since. After coming off first heroin and then methadone, my new medication, subutex, had slowly but surely been helping me to wean myself off opiates completely. Id been taking it for around six months now. They called it a miracle drug and, as far as I was concerned, at least, thats exactly what it was. It had allowed me to reduce my craving for drugs gently and without any hiccups. Id been reducing my dosage of subutex steadily, first from 8 milligrams to 6 then to 4 and then 2. From there Id started taking even smaller doses, measured in 0.4 grams. It had been a pretty seamless process, much easier than Id anticipated. So I wasnt quite sure why I left the unit that morning feeling so apprehensive about the fact that I was about to stop taking subutex altogether. I should have been delighted. It was time for that soft aeroplane landing that one of my counsellors had talked about. But I was curiously on edge, and remained that way for the next two days. That first night, for instance, I started sweating and having minor palpitations. They werent serious. They were certainly nothing compared to what Id been through when Id come off methadone. That had been hellish. It was almost as if I was waiting for something awful to happen, for me to have some dramatic reaction. But nothing happened. I just felt, well, absolutely fine. Bob was attuned to my mood and sensed that I needed a little more TLC. He wasnt overt; he didnt need to perform any of his late night diagnoses or tap me on the head to check I was still breathing. He just positioned himself a few inches closer on the sofa and gave me an extra rub of his head on my neck every now and again. I carried on with my life as normal over the next couple of days. Bob and I had headed back to the flat in Tottenham where wed adjusted to life there again. It was such a relief to be able to walk properly and to ride my bike around with Bob on board. In the end there was a slight sense of anticlimax. Five or six days after I had been given the final prescription, I pulled the foil container out of its packet and saw that there was just one tablet left. I squeezed the oval shaped pill out, placed it under my tongue until it had all dissolved then downed a glass of water. I scrunched the foil up into a ball and threw it on the floor for Bob to chase. There you go, mate. Thats the last one of those youll get to play with. That night, I went to bed expecting to have a rough night. I will never sleep, I told myself. I felt sure that my body was going to be racked by withdrawal pangs. I expected nightmares, visions, restless twisting and turning. But there was none of that. There was nothing. Maybe Id simply exhausted myself with anxiety, but the moment my head hit the pillow I was out like a light. When I woke up the next morning, I gathered my senses and thought to myself: Jeez. Thats it. Im clean. I looked out the dow at the London skyline. It wasnt a glorious blue sky, unfortunately. It wasnt quite that clichÃ©d. But it certainly was a clear one. And, just as when Id come off methadone, it seemed somehow brighter and more colourful. I knew that the days, weeks, months and years stretching ahead of me werent going to be easy. There would be times when I would feel stressed, depressed and insecure and at those times I knew that niggling temptation would return and Id think about taking something to deaden the pain, to kill the senses. That had been why Id fallen for heroin in the first place. It had been loneliness and hopelessness that had driven me into its arms. But now I was determined that wasnt going to happen again. Life wasnt perfect, far from it. But it was a million times better than it had been when Id formed my addiction. Back then I couldnt see beyond the next hit. Now I felt like I could see a way forward. I knew that I could soldier on. From that day onwards, each time I felt myself weakening I told myself: hold on, no, Im not sleeping rough, Im not alone, its not hopeless. I dont need it. I carried on seeing a counsellor for a while, but soon I didnt need that either. A month or so after Id taken my last tablet of subutex he signed me off. I dont need to see you again, he said as he ushered me out of the door. Stay in touch, but good luck. And well done. And I am happy to say I have not seen or heard from him since.