start having it without a problem

I looked away, suddenly conscious of my myriad insufficiencies. I was wearing old jeans, which had once been tight but now sagged in weird places, and a yellow Tshirt advertising a band I didnt even like anymore. Also my hair: I had this page haircut, and I hadnt even bothered to, like, brush it. Furthermore, I had ridiculously fat chipmunked cheeks, a side effect of treatment. I looked like a normally proportioned person with a balloon for a head. This was not even to mention the cankle situation. And yetI cut a glance to him, and his eyes were still on me. It occurred to me why they call it eye contact. I walked into the circle and sat down next to Isaac, two seats away from the . I glanced again. He was still watching me. Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot â€¦well. I pulled out my phone and clicked it so it would display the time: 4:59. The circle filled in with the unlucky twelvetoeighteens, and then Patrick started us out with the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The guy was still staring at me. I felt rather blushy.

Finally, I decided that the proper strategy was to stare back. s do not have a monopoly on the Staring Business, after all. So I looked him over as Patrick acknowledged for the thousandth time his balllessness etc., and soon it was a staring contest. After a while the smiled, and then finally his blue eyes glanced away. When he looked back at me, I flicked my eyebrows up to say, I . He shrugged. Patrick continued and then finally it was time for the introductions. Isaac, perhaps youd like to go first today. I know youre facing a challenging time. Yeah, Isaac said. Im Isaac. Im seventeen. And its looking like I have to get surgery in a couple weeks, after which Ill be blind. Not to complain or anything because I know a lot of us have it worse, but yeah, I mean, being blind does sort of suck. My friend helps, though. And friends like Augustus. He nodded toward the , who now had a name. So, yeah, Isaac continued. He was looking at his hands, which hed folded into each other like the top of a tepee. Theres nothing you can do about it. Were here for you, Isaac, Patrick said. Let Isaac hear it, guys. And then we all, in a monotone, said, Were here for you, Isaac.

Michael was next. He was twelve. He had leukemia. Hed always had leukemia. He was okay. (Or so he said. Hed taken the elevator.) Lida was sixteen, and pretty enough to be the object of the hot s eye. She was a regularin a long remission from appendiceal cancer, which I had not previously known existed. She saidas she had every other time Id attended Support Groupthat she felt strong, which felt like bragging to me as the oxygendrizzling nubs tickled my nostrils. There were five others before they got to him. He smiled a little when his turn came. His voice was low, smoky, and dead y. My name is Augustus Waters, he said. Im seventeen. I had a little touch of osteosarcoma a year and a half ago, but Im just here today at Isaacs request. And how are you feeling asked Patrick. Oh, Im grand. Augustus Waters smiled with a corner of his mouth. Im on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend. When it was my turn, I said, My name is Hazel. Im sixteen. Thyroid with mets in my lungs. Im okay. The hour proceeded apace: Fights were recounted, battles amid wars sure to be lost; hope was clung to; families were both celebrated and denounced; it was agreed that friends just didnt get it; tears were shed; comfort proffered. Neither Augustus Waters nor I spoke again until Patrick said, Augustus, perhaps youd like to share your fears with the group.

Too soon, Isaac said, cracking a smile. Was that insensitive Augustus asked. I can be pretty blind to other peoples feelings. Isaac was laughing, but Patrick raised a chastening finger and said, Augustus, please. Lets return to you and your struggles. You said you fear oblivion I did, Augustus answered. Patrick seemed lost. Would, uh, would anyone like to speak to that I hadnt been in proper school in three years. My parents were my two best friends. My third best friend was an author who did not know I existed. I was a fairly shy personnot the handraising type. And yet, just this once, I decided to speak. I half raised my hand and Patrick, his delight evident, immediately said, Hazel! I was, Im sure he assumed, opening up. Becoming Part Of The Group. I looked over at Augustus Waters, who looked back at me. You could almost see through his eyes they were so blue. There will come a time, I said, when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of thisI gestured encompassinglywill have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows thats what everyone else does.