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    I should head home actually, I said. Im kinda tired. Sure, of course, she said. I have to see you more often, darling. She placed her hands on my shoulders, kissed me on both cheeks, and marched off, her narrow hips swishing. I didnt go home, though. Id told Mom to pick me up at six, and while I figured she was either in the mall or in the parking lot, I still wanted the next two hours to myself. I liked my mom, but her perpetual nearness sometimes made me feel weirdly nervous. And I liked Kaitlyn, too. I really did. But three years removed from proper fulltime schoolic exposure to my peers, I felt a certain unbridgeable distance between us. I think my school friends wanted to help me through my cancer, but they eventually found out that they couldnt. For one thing, there was no through. So I excused myself on the grounds of pain and fatigue, as I often had over the years when seeing Kaitlyn or any of my other friends. In truth, it always hurt. It always hurt not to breathe like a normal person, incessantly reminding your lungs to be lungs, forcing yourself to accept as unsolvable the clag scraping insideout ache of underoxygenation. So I wasnt lying, exactly. I was just choosing among truths. I found a bench surrounded by an Irish Gifts store, the Fountain Pen Emporium, and a baseballcap outleta corner of the mall even Kaitlyn would never shop, and started reading Midnight Dawns. It featured a sentencetocorpse ratio of nearly 1:1, and I tore through it without ever looking up. I liked Staff Sergeant Max Mayhem, even though he didnt have much in the way of a technical personality, but mostly I liked that his adventures kept happening. There were always more bad guys to kill and more good guys to save. New wars started even before the old ones were . I hadnt read a real series like that since I was a kid, and it was exciting to live again in an infinite fiction. Twenty pages from the end of Midnight Dawns, things started to look pretty bleak for Mayhem when he was shot seventeen times while attempting to rescue a (blond, American) hostage from the Enemy. But as a reader, I did not despair. The war effort would go on without him. There couldand wouldbe sequels starring his cohorts: Specialist Manny Loco and Private Jasper Jacks and the rest. I was just about to the end when this little with barretted braids appeared in front of me and said, Whats in your nose And I said, Um, its called a cannula. These tubes give me oxygen and help me breathe. Her mother swooped in and said, Jackie, disapprovingly, but I said, No no, its okay, because it totally was, and then Jackie asked, Would they help me breathe, too I dunno. Lets try. I took it off and let Jackie stick the cannula in her nose and breathe. Tickles, she said. I know, right I think Im breathing better, she said. Yeah Yeah. Well, I said, I wish I could give you my cannula but I kind of really need the help. I already felt the loss. I focused on my breathing as Jackie handed the tubes back to me. I gave them a quick swipe with my Tshirt, laced the tubes behind my ears, and put the nubbins back in place. Thanks for letting me try it, she said. No problem. Jackie, her mother said again, and this time I let her go. I returned to the book, where Staff Sergeant Max Mayhem was regretting that he had but one life to give for his country, but I kept thinking about that little kid, and how much I liked her. The other thing about Kaitlyn, I guess, was that it could never again feel natural to talk to her. Any attempts to feign normal social interactions were just depressing because it was so glaringly obvious that everyone I spoke to for the rest of my life would feel awkward and selfconscious around me, except maybe kids like Jackie who just didnt know any better. Anyway, I really did like being alone. I liked being alone with poor Staff Sergeant Max Mayhem, whooh, come on, hes not going to survive these seventeen bullet wounds, is he (Spoiler alert: He lives.)
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