ng enough to get some babymaking done. It generally only lasts for a= few years at most. That dizzying high you get staring into your lover s ey= es as if they are the stars that make up the heavens yeah that mostly goes = away. It does for everybody. So once it s gone you need to know that you ve= buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy b= eing with otherwise things are going to get rocky. True love that is deep a= biding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy is a choice. It = s a constant commitment to a person regardless of the present circumstances= It s a commitment to a person who you understand isn t going to always ma= ke you happy nor should they and a person who will need to rely on you at t= imes just as you will rely on them. That form of love is much harder. Prima= rily because it often doesn t feel very good. It s unglamorous. It s lots o= f early morning doctor s visits. It s cleaning up bodily fluids you d rathe= r not be cleaning up. It s dealing with another person s insecurities and f= ears and ideas even when you don t want to. But this form of love is also f= ar more satisfying and meaningful. And at the end of the day it brings true= happiness not just another series of highs. Happily Ever After doesn t exi= st. Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life the= good the bad and the ugly. Some days it s a struggle and some days you fee= l like the luckiest person in the world. Tara Many people never learn how t= o breach this deep unconditional love. Many people are instead addicted to = the ups and downs of romantic love. They are in it for the feels so to spea= k. And when the feels run out so do they. Many people get into a relationsh= ip as a way to compensate for something they lack or hate within themselves= This is a one way ticket to a toxic relationship because it makes your lo= ve conditional you will love your partner as long as they help you feel bet= ter about yourself. You will give to them as long as they give to you. You = will make them happy as long as they make you happy. This conditionality pr= events any true deep level intimacy from emerging and chains the relationsh= ip to the bucking throes of each person s internal dramas. 3. The most impo= rtant factor in a relationship is not communication but respect What I can = tell you is the 1 thing most important above all else is respect. It s not = ual attraction looks shared goals religion or lack of nor is it love. There= are times when you t feel love for your partner. That is the truth. But yo= u never want to lose respect for your partner. Once you lose respect you wi= ll never get it back. Laurie As we scanned through the hundreds of response= s we received my assistant and I began to notice an interesting trend. Peop= le who had been through divorces and or had only been with their partners f= or 10 15 years almost always talked about communication being the most impo= rtant part of making things work. Talk frequently. Talk openly. Talk about = everything even if it hurts. And there is some merit to that which I ll get= to later . But we noticed that the thing people with marriages going on 20= 30 or even 40 years talked about most was respect. My sense is that these = people through sheer quantity of experience have learned that communication= no matter how open transparent and disciplined will always break down at s= ome point. Conflicts are ultimately unavoidable and feelings will always be= hurt. And the only thing that can save you and your partner that can cushi= on you both to the hard landing of human fallibility is an unerring respect= for one another the fact that you hold each other in high esteem believe i= n one another often more than you each believe in yourselves and trust that= your partner is doing his her best with what they ve got. Without that bed= rock of respect underneath you you will doubt each other s intentions. You = will judge their choices and encroach on their independence. You will feel = the need to hide things from one another for fear of criticism. And this is= when the cracks in the edifice begin to appear. My husband and I have been= together 15 years this ter. I ve thought a lot about what seems to be keep= ing us together while marriages around us crumble seriously it s everywhere= we seem to be at that age . The one word that I keep coming back to is res= pect. Of course this means sho g respect but that is too superficial. Just = sho g it isn t enough. You have to feel it deep within you. I deeply and ge= nuinely respect him for his work ethic his patience his creativity his inte= lligence and his core values. From this respect comes everything else trust= patience perseverance because sometimes life is really hard and you both j= ust have to persevere . I want to hear what he has to say even if I don t a= gree with him because I respect his opinion. I want to enable him to have s= ome free time within our insanely busy lives because I respect his choices = of how he spends his time and who he spends time with. And really what this= mutual respect means is that we feel safe sharing our deepest most intimat= e selves with each other. Nicole You must also respect yourself. Just as yo= ur partner must also respect his herself. Because without that self respect= you will not feel worthy of the respect afforded by your partner. You will= be unwilling to accept it and you will find ways to undermine it. You will= constantly feel the need to compensate and prove yourself worthy of love w= hich will just backfire. Respect for your partner and respect for yourself = are intert ed. As a reader named Olov put it Respect