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ME: I believe you. OUTDOORSY DAD: Whats your search engine ME: Google. OUTDOORSY DAD: Bings better. ME: No one said it wasnt. OUTDOORSY DAD: If you ever, once, went to Hotmail, Windows Live, Bing, or MSN, youd see a tab at the top of the page that says Messenger. Thats my team. ME: Cool What do you do for Messenger OUTDOORSY DAD: My team is working on an enduser, C Sharp interface for HTML5â€¦ And then they kind of trail off, because at some point in every conversation, theres nobody in the world smart enough to dumb it down. Anytime you express consternation as to how the U.S. city with more aires per capita than any other would allow itself to be overtaken by bums, the same reply always comes back. Seattle is a compassionate city. A guy named the Tuba Man, a beloved institution whod play his tuba at Mariners games, was brutally murdered by a street gang near the Gates Foundation. The response Not to crack down on gangs or anything. That wouldnt be compassionate. Instead, the people in the neighborhood redoubled their efforts to get to the root of gang violence. They arranged a Race for the Root, to raise for this dunderheaded effort. Of course, the Race for the Root was a triathlon, because God forbid you should ask one of these athletic dogooders to partake in only one sport per Sunday. Even the mayor gets in on the action. There was a comicbook store in my neighborhood that demonstrated great courage by putting a sign in the window indicating that nobody with pants pulled below their buttocks would be allowed in. And the mayor said he wanted to get to the root of why s sag their pants. The ing mayor. And dont get me started on Canadians. Its a whole thing. Remember when the feds busted in on that Mormon polygamist cult in Texas a few years back And the dozens of wives were paraded in front of the camera And they all had this long mousecolored hair with strands of gray, no hairstyle to speak of, no makeup, ashy skin, Frida Kahlo facial hair, and unflattering clothes And on cue, the Oprah audience was shocked and horrified Well, theyve never been to Seattle. There are two hairstyles here: short gray hair and long gray hair. You go into a salon asking for hair color, and they flap their elbows and cluck, Oh, goody, we never get to do color

But what really happened was I came up here and had four miscarriages. Try as I might, its hard to blame that one on Nigel MillsMurray. Oh, Paul. That last year in L.A. was just so horrible. I am so ashamed of my behavior. Ive carried it with me to this day, the revulsion at how vile I became, all for a stupid house. Ive never stopped obsessing about it. But just before I completely selfimmolate, I think about Nigel MillsMurray. Was I really so bad that I deserved to have three years of my life destroyed for some rich pricks practical joke So I had some cars towed, yes. I made a gate out of trash doorknobs. Im an artist. I won a MacArthur grant, for s sake. Dont I get a break Ill be watching TV and see Nigel MillsMurrays name at the end. Ill go nuts inside. He gets to keep creating, and Im the one whos still in pieces Lets inventory the toy chest: shame, anger, envy, ishness, selfreproach, selfpity. The AIA gave me that nice honor years back, theres this 20 Ã— 20 Ã— 20 thing, an Artforum reporter tried to talk to me about some article. Those things just make it worse, you see. Theyre booby prizes because everyone knows I am an artist who couldnt overcome failure. Just last night, I woke up to pee. I was half asleep, with no concept of myself, a blank, and then the data started reloadingBernadette FoxTwenty Mile House destroyedI deserved itIm a failure. Failure has got its teeth in me, and it wont stop shaking. Ask me about the Twenty Mile House now, Im a twister of nonchalance. That old thing Who cares Its my false front, and Im sticking to it. When the miscarriages started, Elgie was there for me, leaning in. Its all my fault, Id say. No, Bernadette, hed say. Its not your fault. I deserve this, Id say. Nobody deserves this. I cant make anything without destroying it, Id say. Please, Bernadette, thats not true. Im a monster, Id say. How can you possibly love me Because I know you. What Elgie didnt know was that I was using his words to help me heal from an even deeper grief than the miscarriages, a grief I couldnt admit to: grief over the Twenty Mile House. Elgie still doesnt know. Which just adds to my bottomless, churning shame, that I have become so demented and dishonest, a stranger to the most brilliant and honorable man Ive ever met. The only thing you can blame Elgie for is he makes life look so damn simple: do what you love. In his case, that means working, spending time with his family, and reading presidential biographies. Yes, Ive hauled my sorry ass to a shrink. I went to some guy here, the best in Seattle. It took me about three sessions to fully chew the poor er up and spit him out. He felt terrible about failing me. Sorry, he said, but the psychiatrists up here arent very good. I bought a house when we got here. This crazy reform school for s with every building restriction conceivable attached. To make something of it would require Harry Houdini ingenuity. This, of course, appealed to me. I truly intended to recover from the body blow of the Twenty Mile House by making a home for me and Elgie and the baby I was always pregnant with. Then Id sit on the toilet and look down, my upper body a capital C, and there it was, blood on my underpants, and Id weep to Elgie all over again. When I finally stayed pregnant, our daughters heart hadnt developed completely, so it had to be rebuilt in a series of operations. Her chances for survival were minuscule, especially back then. The moment she was born, my squirming blue guppy was whisked off to the OR before I could touch her.

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