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310 pm Gaaah Have got to pick up Mabel in twenty minutes and have not got rice cakes ready Gaah Telephone I have Brian Katzenberg for you My new agent Actual agent But I would be BEYOND late for Mabel if I stopped and talked Can I call Brian back later? I trilled, trying to smear pretendbutter onto the rice cakes, stick them together and put them in a Ziploc with one hand Its about your spec script Just in a meeting How could I be in a meeting, and yet talking on the phone saying Im in a meeting? Peoples assistants are meant to say theyre in a meeting, not the person themself, who is supposed to be unable to say anything because theyre in the meeting Set off on school run, feeling, now, desperate to call back and find out what the call was about Brian has so far sent it to two production companies, both of whom have turned it down But now maybe a fish has bitten at the fish hook? Fought overwhelming urge to ring Brian back claiming meeting had come to an abrupt end, but decided far more important to be on time for Mabel: and thats the sort of caring, prioritizing mother I am Realizing there had been a terrible accident, I, and everyone else, started rearing their cars crazily onto pavement and into gardens to make way for Emergency Services Once road was clear, peered gingerly ahead for the ambulance/bloodbath But there was not an ambulance, just a very fancy woman, flouncing into a black Porsche, then roaring furiously along the newly cleared road, a smug beuniformed small next to her in the front seat By the time I got to the Infants Branch, Mabel was the only left on the steps, apart from the last straggler, Thelonius, who was about to leave with his mum Mabel looked at me with her huge solemn eyes Come on, Old Pal, she said kindly We wondered where youd got to said Theloniuss mum Did you forget again? No, I said The road was completely gridlocked Mummyth fiftyone Mabel suddenly burst out Mummyth fiftyone She says sheth thirtyfive but sheth really fiftyone Shhh Hahaha I responded to Theloniuss mothers stare Better run off and get Billy Managed to get Mabel, still yelling Mummyth fiftyone, into the car, leaning over in the traditional bodywrenching movement, which gets increasingly awkward with age, fastening the seat belt by waddling my hand in the mess between the seat back and booster seat Arrived at Billys Junior Branch to see Perfect Nicolette, the Class Mother (perfect house, perfect husband, perfect ren: only slight imperfection being name, presumably chosen by parents before invention of popular smoking substitute), surrounded by a gaggle of Junior Branch mothers Perfect Nicorette was perfectly dressed and perfectly blowdried with a perfectly gigantic handbag Sidled up, panting, to see if I could get the scoop on the latest Area of Concern, just as Nicolette flicked her hair crossly, nearly taking my eye out with the corner of the giant bag I asked him why Atticus is still in the football Ds I mean, Atticus has been coming home, literally, in tears and Mr Wallaker just said, “Because hes rubbish Anything else?� Glanced over at the Area of Concern/new sports teacher: fit, tall, slightly younger than me, crophaired, rather like Daniel Craig in appearance He was staring broodingly at a group of unruly s, then suddenly blew a whistle and bellowed, Oi You lot In the cloakroom now or Ill Caution you You see? Nicolette continued, as the s formed themselves into a shambolic line, attempting to jog back into school, shouting, One, sir Two, sir like startled bushmen recruited to form a Spring Uprising, while Mr Wallaker blew his whistle ludicrously in time He is hot, though, said Farzia Farzia is my favourite school mum, always having her priorities in place Hot, but married, snapped Nicolette And with ren, though you wouldnt guess it I thought he was a friend of the headmaster, ventured another mum Exactly Is he even trained? said Nicolette Mummy Looked round to see Billy, in his little blazer, dark hair tousled, shirt hanging out of his trousers I didnt get picked for chess Those same eyes, those same dark eyes, stabbed with pain It doesnt matter about being picked or winning, I said, giving Billy a furtive hug Its who you are that counts Of course it matters Gaah It was Mr Wallaker He has to practise He has to earn it As he turned away, distinctly heard him mutter, The sense of entitlement amongst the mothers in this school defies belief Practise? I said brightly Why, Id never have thought of that You must be terribly clever, Mr Wallaker I mean, sir