this are big words

You know what its like when you go to Ikea and you cant believe how cheap everything is, and even though you may not need a hundred tea lights, my God, theyre only ninetynine cents for the whole bag Or: Sure, the throw pillows are filled with a squishy ball of nodoubt toxic whatnot, but theyre so bright and threeforfivedollars that before you know it youve dropped five hundred bucks, not because you needed any of this crap, but because it was so damn cheap Of course you dont. But if you did, youd know what Seattle real estate was like for me. I came up here on a whim, pretty much. Wed been living in L.A. when Elgies animation company was bought by Big Brother. Whoops, did I say Big Brother I meant Microsoft. Around the same time, Id had a Huge Hideous Thing happen to me (which we definitely do not need to get into). Lets just say that it was so huge and so hideous that it made me want to flee L.A. and never return. Even though Elgie didnt need to relocate to Seattle, Big Brother strongly recommended it. I was more than happy to use it as an excuse to hightail it out of LaLa Land. My first trip up here, to Seattle, the realtor picked me up at the airport to look at houses. The morning batch were all Craftsman, which is all they have here, if you dont count the rash of viewbusting apartment buildings that appear in inexplicable clumps, as if the zoning chief was asleep at his desk during the sixties and seventies and turned architectural design over to the Soviets. Everything else is Craftsman. Turnofthecentury Craftsman, beautifully restored Craftsman, reinterpretation of Craftsman, needssomelove Craftsman, modern take on Craftsman. Its like a hypnotist put everyone from Seattle in a collective trance. You are getting sleepy, when you wake up you will want to live only in a Craftsman house, the year wont matter to you, all that will matter is that the walls will be thick, the windows tiny, the rooms dark, the ceilings low, and it will be poorly situated on the lot. The main thing about this cornucopia of Craftsmans: compared to L.A., they were Ikeacheap Ryan, the realtor, took me to lunch downtown at a Tom Douglas restaurant. Tom Douglas is a local chef who has a dozen restaurants, each one better than the last. Eating at Lolathat coconut cream pie that garlic spreadmade me believe I could actually be happy making a life for myself in this Canadaclose sinkhole they call the Emerald City. I blame you, Tom Douglas After lunch, we headed to the realtors car for the afternoon rounds. Looming over downtown was a hill crammed with, say what, Craftsman houses. At the top of the hill, on the left, I could discern a brick building with a huge yard overlooking Elliott Bay. Whats that I asked Ryan. Straight Gate, he said. It was a Catholic school for wayward s built at the turn of the century. What is it now I said. Oh, it hasnt been anything for years. Every so often some developer tries to convert it to condos. So its for sale It was supposed to be converted into eight condos, he said. Then, his eyes began to pirouette, sensing a sale. The property is three whole acres, mostly flat. Plus, you own the entire hillside, which you cant build on, but it does ensure privacy. Gatehousewhich is what the developers renamed it because Straight Gate seemed antigayis about twelve thousand square feet, loaded with charm. There is some deferred maintenance, but were talking crown jewel. How much are they asking Ryan gave a dramatic pause. Four hundred thousand. He watched with satisfaction as my jaw dropped. The other houses wed seen were the same price, and they were on tiny lots. Turns out the huge yard had been deeded to open space for tax purposes, and the Queen Anne Neighborhood Association had designated Straight Gate a historic site, which made it impossible to touch the exterior or interior walls. So the Straight Gate School for s was stuck in buildingcode limbo.

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