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34 Miller Rd. Farmingdale. NY, 11735. Edit prefs.

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?Here's a vice: vanity,? said Lingenfe= lter.

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?I'm not vain,? the Commander said, sn= eering at her.

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So, that's the kind of guy he was back= in 1999. By the time he arrived in Squamish and became Jesse James, howeve= r, he seems to have changed almost beyond understanding or even possibility=

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?I don't think his Nazism was an act,?= says McLennan. ?It's just that I saw no signs of it, absolutely none. I fo= und no signs of anti-Semitism or racism, and I went out with him for two ye= ars. This may sound stupid or naive of me, but I know that he was very hone= st with me on a day-to-day basis. Our life together was climbing, which he = took very seriously. We lived and breathed climbing together. And I know th= at I knew him well, in terms of us as climbing partners, making life-and-de= ath choices together. But of course I feel guilty for not knowing more abou= t his past. I mean, I didn't even know he was the penis-enlargement king.?<= /span>

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She halfway laughs about the absurdity= of that alone, then takes a deep breath and goes on: ?He was the first per= son in my life to really love and look after me. He was a tremendous friend= , super-considerate and supportive. I can't rewrite history to pretend I ha= te the guy. I don't hate him. He had rules for not celebrating birthdays, b= ut he did celebrate mine. He was wonderful to me, and we were really good t= o each other. You couldn't ask for a better partner.?

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When she says things like this, there'= s so much sadness in her voice, but happiness, too, for having finally foun= d the kind of love that regenerates itself, building over time instead of d= eclining and fading. But then it was ripped away. There's no weeping or sob= bing about it, though. Maybe that's not her. At the same time, you can tell= she's still suffering and still confused.

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She isn't climbing much, or at all, an= ymore, largely due to a fall she took shortly after Hawke's murder. She fac= e-planted into rocks from 70 feet up, broken bones everywhere, ribs, pelvis= , hip, nose, eye socket, a punctured vertebrae, a case of amnesia that last= ed for two weeks and a brain injury that she calls severe. Within a year, s= he'd stopped climbing altogether. ?I used to do a lot of free solo climbing= , but I just don't trust myself anymore, and for climbing, you really need = to trust your mind.? And she can't. And she no longer has any backup. Just = one more loss.

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For everything Hawke was around McLennan, his rep around Squamish was somewhat different. M= ore than anything, he just seemed to be pompous and preening and still poss= essed of feelings of superiority and the old imperium. Maybe he no longer w= anted to become president in order to deport, sterilize, and execute, but h= e still wanted everyone to know how great he was, and he'd often write abou= t it online, either on Facebook or on one of the several blogs he maintaine= d, among them SurvivorMan.net, in which he extolled the virtues of ?what I call the ?Survive Diet,' the= aim of which is eternal life.? He only ate raw, organic, vegan, gluten-free foods, no sugar ever, bu= t a ton of Zimt chocolate. ?Zimt chocolate is quite possibly the BEST r= aw chocolate I've ever eaten,? he once wrote, ?and I've eaten a whole lot o= f raw chocolate!?

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On occasion, you could find him in the= heart of downtown Squamish, inside the 1914 Coffee Company cafe, jawboning= about the many-worlds the= ory of quantum mechanics, for instance, and looking down on anyone who demo= nstrated what he called ?the horrifying traits of a scientific instrume= ntalist,? which themselves, he liked to say, ?prompted me to ditch academia= out of boredom during my physics postdoc,? which of course he never ditched because he never was in = any ?doc,? post or otherwise. No matter. He'd go on to make various abstrus= e points about, say, Shor's algorithm or the adiabatic quantum algorithm, s= ounding very much like TV's Sheldon Cooper, who is just as much a fiction a= s Hawke himself was.

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Other times, he'd drive his Yukon north of town to the Gro= und Up Climbing Center, just off of Commercial, to play ping-pong and crow = over his wins. (?I have not lost a game in a long time!?) Or else he'd be s= itting at a table inside S= tarbucks or Nesters Food Mart, sponging off the free internet connections, = hunched over his laptop, which he'd snap shut if you came up to him. ?H= e was always really weird about shutting his laptop right away as sbizjournals.comou'd approach,?= recalls a climber named Nicole Deuchar. ?He was the kind of person who nev= er told you too much abou<= /a>t himself. ?Don't take a picture of my face, don't do that,' he'd say. He was always super-mysterious.?

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And a climber named John Shaw says, ?Our conversations were= always friendly, but it was always like he was hiding something. Like, ?Fu= ck, dude ? you're sneaky.'? Another thing Shaw noticed: ?His teeth were yel= low. He said he had all this money, but he fucking doesn't go to the dentist? I just found it odd.?

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