Received: from nobody by stodi.digitalkingdom.org with local (Exim 4.87) (envelope-from ) id 1cCUMX-0008Sf-SH for lojban-newreal@lojban.org; Thu, 01 Dec 2016 08:37:33 -0800 Received: from [69.197.147.229] (port=60224 helo=vipinfoavailable.com) by stodi.digitalkingdom.org with esmtp (Exim 4.87) (envelope-from ) id 1cCUMS-0008Rr-VG for lojban@lojban.org; Thu, 01 Dec 2016 08:37:33 -0800 Date: Thu, 01 Dec 2016 10:00:48 -0700 To: Subject: Dont put-another dollar-in your bank-account Mime-Version: 1 Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii Message-ID: <10c2c7e55fbfda4353ca10c7b6e541eeedlc2c7e55fbfda4353ca10c7b6e541eeed_2511466.lojban@lojban.org22092> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit From: "Christian Simpson" X-Spam-Score: -0.4 (/) X-Spam_score: -0.4 X-Spam_score_int: -3 X-Spam_bar: / vip information for you
Dec 1, 2016, 9:38a by Wyatt Mcgrath
Special Report

Never Deposit Another Dollar Into You Bank Account



Many ATM machines across the country are showing these messages. To the right you will see a snapshot of one.



Many across the country are having their funds frozen so make sure to see this

move to the right

QUIDDITCH THROUGH THE AGES is one of the most popular titles in the Hogwarts school library. Madam Pince, our librarian, tells me that it is pawed about, dribbled on, and generally maltreated nearly every day a high compliment for any book. Anyone who plays or watches Quidditch regularly will relish Mr. Whisps book, as do those of us interested in wider wizarding history. As we have developed the game of Quidditch, so it has developed us; Quidditch unites witches and wizards from all walks of life, bringing us together to share moments of exhilaration, triumph, and (for those who support the Chudley Cannons) despair. It was with some difficulty, I must own, that I persuaded Madam Pince to part with one of her books so that it might be copied for wider consumption. Indeed, when I told her it was to be made available to Muggles, she was rendered temporarily speechless, and neither moved nor blinked for several minutes. When she came to herself she was thoughtful enough to ask whether I had taken leave of my senses. I was pleased to reassure her on that point and went on to explain why I had taken this unprecedented decision. Muggle readers will need no introduction to the work of Comic Relief U. K. (which, funnily enough, has nothing to do with the American organization of the same name), so I now repeat my explanation to Madam Pince for the benefit of witches and wizards who have purchased this book. Comic Relief U. K. uses laughter to fight poverty, injustice, and disaster. Widespread amusement is converted into large quantities of money (over 250 since they started in 1985 which is the equivalent of over 174 pounds or thirtyfour Galleons). Everyone involved in getting this book to you, from the author to the publisher to the paper suppliers, printers, binders, and booksellers, contributed their time, energy, and materials free or at a reduced cost, making it possible for twenty percent of the retail sales price less taxes from the sale of this book to go to a fund set up in Harry Potters name by Comic Relief U. K. and J. K. Rowling. This fund was designed specifically to help children in need throughout the world. By buying this book and I would advise you to buy it, because if you read it too long without handing over money you will find yourself the object of a Thiefs Curse you too will be contributing to this magical mission.

I would be deceiving my readers if I said that this explanation made Madam Pince happy about handing over a library book to Muggles. She suggested several alternatives, such as telling the people from Comic Relief U. K. that the library had burned down, or simply pretending that I had dropped dead without leaving instructions. When I told her that on the whole I preferred my original plan, she reluctantly agreed to hand over the book, though at the point when it came to let go of it, her nerve failed her and I was forced to prise her fingers individually from the spine. Though I have removed the usual library book spells from this volume, I cannot promise that every trace has gone. Madam Pince has been known to add unusual jinxes to the books in her care. I myself doodled absentmindedly on a copy of Theories of Transubstantial Transfiguration last year and next moment found the book beating me fiercely about the head. Please be careful how you treat this book. Do not rip out the pages. Do not drop it in the bath. I cannot promise that Madam Pince will not swoop down on you, wherever you are, and demand a heavy fine. All that remains is for me to thank you for supporting Comic Relief U. K. and to beg Muggles not to try playing Quidditch at home; it is, of course, an entirely fictional sport and nobody really plays it. May I also take this opportunity to wish Puddlemere United the best of luck next season.

No spell yet devised enables wizards to fly unaided in human form. Those few Animagi who transform into ged creatures may enjoy flight, but they are a rarity. The witch or wizard who finds him or herself transfigured into a bat may take to the air, but, having a bats brain, they are sure to forget where they want to go the moment they take flight. Levitation is commonplace, but our ancestors were not content with hovering five feet from the ground. They wanted more. They wanted to fly like birds, but without the inconvenience of grog feathers. We are so accustomed these days to the fact that every wizarding household in Britain owns at least one flying broomstick that we rarely stop to ask ourselves why. Why should the humble broom have become the one object legally allowed as a means of wizarding transport Why did we in the West not adopt the carpet so beloved of our Eastern brethren Why didnt we choose to produce flying barrels, flying armchairs, flying bathtubs why brooms Shrewd enough to see that their Muggle neighbours would seek to exploit their powers if they knew their full extent, witches and wizards kept themselves to themselves long before the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy came into effect. If they were to keep a means of flight in their houses, it would necessarily be something discreet, something easy to hide. The broomstick was ideal for this purpose; it required no explanation, no excuse if found by Muggles, it was easily portable and inexpensive. Nevertheless, the first brooms bewitched for flying purposes had their drawbacks. Records show that witches and wizards in Europe were using flying broomsticks as early as A.D. 962. A German illuminated manuscript of this period shows three warlocks dismounting from their brooms with looks of exquisite discomfort on their faces. Guthrie Lochrin, a Scottish wizard writing in 1107, spoke of the splinterfilled buttocks and bulging piles he suffered after a short broom ride from Montrose to Arbroath. A medieval broomstick on display in the Museum of Quidditch in London gives us an insight into Lochrins discomfort (see Fig. A). A thick knotty handle of unvarnished ash, with hazel twigs bound crudely to one end, it is neither comfortable nor aerodynamic. The charms placed upon it are similarly basic: It will only move forwards at one speed; it will go up, down, and stop. As wizarding families in those days made their own brooms, there was enormous variation in the speed, comfort, and handling of the transport available to them. By the twelfth century, however, wizards had learned to barter services, so that a skilled maker of brooms could exchange them for the potions his neighbour might make better than himself. Once broomsticks became more comfortable, they were flown for pleasure rather than merely used as a means of getting from point A to point B.
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