Received: from nobody by stodi.digitalkingdom.org with local (Exim 4.87) (envelope-from ) id 1cMhvH-0006eT-72 for lojban-newreal@lojban.org; Thu, 29 Dec 2016 13:07:39 -0800 Received: from [89.163.249.109] (port=53283 helo=landinginoffers.com) by stodi.digitalkingdom.org with esmtp (Exim 4.87) (envelope-from ) id 1cMhvB-0006dW-V3 for lojban@lojban.org; Thu, 29 Dec 2016 13:07:38 -0800 Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2016 14:32:04 -0700 Mime-Version: 1 Subject: Your're New Years e points are ending at midnight Saturday (mem: 10567272) Message-ID: <6721166633m.21166633_10567272-lojban@lojban.org_y> From: CostcoCustomer To: Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Spam-Score: 0.6 (/) X-Spam_score: 0.6 X-Spam_score_int: 6 X-Spam_bar: / X-Spam-Report: Spam detection software, running on the system "stodi.digitalkingdom.org", has NOT identified this incoming email as spam. The original message has been attached to this so you can view it or label similar future email. If you have any questions, see the administrator of that system for details. Content preview: eat the offers In Just A Few Days The New Year Will Be Here - Have a great weekend at Cotco with amazing products Answer-some short-questions and get yours [...] Content analysis details: (0.6 points, 5.0 required) pts rule name description ---- ---------------------- -------------------------------------------------- 1.0 FROM_OFFERS From address is "at something-offers" 0.0 URIBL_BLOCKED ADMINISTRATOR NOTICE: The query to URIBL was blocked. See http://wiki.apache.org/spamassassin/DnsBlocklists#dnsbl-block for more information. [URIs: landinginoffers.com] -0.0 SPF_PASS SPF: sender matches SPF record -0.0 SPF_HELO_PASS SPF: HELO matches SPF record 0.7 MIME_HTML_ONLY BODY: Message only has text/html MIME parts -1.9 BAYES_00 BODY: Bayes spam probability is 0 to 1% [score: 0.0000] 0.0 HTML_MESSAGE BODY: HTML included in message 0.8 RDNS_NONE Delivered to internal network by a host with no rDNS 0.0 T_REMOTE_IMAGE Message contains an external image eat the offers
In Just A Few Days The New Year Will Be Here -
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SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1 OMG Im suffering from the worst case of CRUSHITIS ever This morning I had these fluttery butterflies in my stomach that were making me feel SUPERnauseous But in a really GOOD way I felt SO insanely happy I could just VOMIT sunshine, rainbows, confetti, glitter and um those yummy little Skittles thingies I still cant believe my crush, Brandon, actually texted me last night after I left his birthday party. And youll NEVER guess what happened HE ASKED ME OUT TO CRAZY BURGER SQUEEE And yes, I know its NOT like a real date or anything. But STILL I was SO elated, I blasted my FAVE music and danced around my bedroom like a MANIAC Hey I was beyond FIERCE I was an airguitarplaying, dancing machine After dancing in my room for an entire hour, I was so tired I could barely breathe. Thats when I collapsed into a wheezing, sweatsoaked mass of body odour and sheer exhaustion. A very HAPPY wheezing, sweatsoaked mass of body odour and sheer exhaustion. ME, WITH A BIG FAT DORKY SMILE PLASTERED ACROSS MY FACE WHY Because any minute now, Brandon was going to contact me so we could make plans to hang out at Crazy Burger. SQUEEEEEE So I snuggled into a comfy chair, stared at my phone and waited patiently for his call. Before I knew it, it was bedtime. I felt like Id been waiting FOREVER ME, FLOPPED ACROSS MY BED, SULKING But no call No email Not even a text message I even checked my phone to make sure the battery thingy hadnt run down or something. Unfortunately, my last call was from my BFFs, Chloe and Zoey. They had called me late last night with some REALLY juicy gossip. Apparently, someone had showed up at Brandons party unexpectedly to drop off a present for him shortly after I had left. Youll NEVER guess who it was MACKENZIE Okay, Ill admit it was really nice and sweet of her to do that. But she had totally overlooked one very important little detail SHE WASNT INVITED Which meant MISS THANG had basically CRASHED Brandons party Like, WHO does that My BFFs told me that MacKenzie was twirling her hair, giggling and flirting with Brandon like crazy. Then she got superserious and asked to talk to him PRIVATELY about something really important JUST GREAT Now Im really starting to worry PANIC What if MacKenzie told him some awful lies about me so he wouldnt want to be friends anymore Shes always talking about me behind my back and saying stuff like, Nikkis a hopelessly insecure, fashionchallenged, diaryobsessed DORK Which is so NOT true Well maybe its a little true. Okay Actually, a LOT true. But STILL WHY did all of this have to happen just when Brandon and I were about to have our very first datethatreallyisntadate PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let Brandon call me tomorrow SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 2 Ive been awake now for 7 hours, 11 minutes, and 39 seconds and Brandon STILL hasnt called Im starting to worry that something really BAD happened to him. I think he sincerely WANTED to call me. And he sincerely TRIED to call me. But he just COULDNT Because maybe he got, um abducted by ALIENS Hey, dont laugh It could have actually happened I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING I DROPPED MY PHONE AND NOW I CANT CALL NIKKI In spite of the fact that I was still suffering from a severe case of crushitis AND having a really BAD day, my parents MADE me babysit my little sister, Brianna. Just so they could go to a movie together Like, how INSENSITIVE is that Sometimes I think Mom and Dad need to take a parenting class or something. The last time I tried to talk to Brandon on the phone with Brianna around, it was a total disaster. She actually told him about my hairy legs and crusty eye boogers. It was SO humiliating Lately, Brianna has been totally obsessed with those diva hair salon shows on TV. And get this She actually calls herself Miss BriBri, Fashionista Hairstylist to the Stars I was shocked to see her sneaking into my parents bathroom and stealing shampoo and perfume and stuff. It was like I had personally witnessed a MIRACLE Brianna was FINALLY trying to improve her very NASTY hygiene WOOHOO But later, when I peeked inside Briannas room, I discovered she was MISSING And in her place was this strange little woman. She was wearing fake diamond cateye glasses, a long scarf, foursizestoobig satin slippers and a kiddie painting apron filled with Moms designer makeup collection. I didnt know WHO the heck she was. I wanted to scream, Who are YOU And what have you done with MY little sister But my gut told me to run away FAST and call the POLICE Then she smiled at me really big and said BONJOUR, MISS NIKKI WELCOME TO SALON BRIANNA I was halfway down the hall before Brianna caught up with me. She grabbed my arm and dragged me back toward her room. Dahling Where are you going Dont be skurd Brianna said in an awful fake French accent that sounded more like a sixyearold Arnold Schwarzenegger. Youre playing with Moms new makeup and perfume You DO realize shes going to KILL you when she gets home Right I scolded her. Never mind zat, dahling You are Miss BriBris next appointment Wee Wee Come Come she said, pushing me into her desk salon chair. Kidz Bop music was playing in the background. And shed drawn the most hideous hairstyle posters and hung them on her wall to help set the mood of a trendy, upscale salon. Those posters shouldve been a WARNING to me about Miss BriBris hairstyling abilities. I couldnt resist coming up with catchy names for each one Dont worry, dahling, Miss BriBri said. Im going to make you BOOTYFUL For your little friend Brandon. Yes For BRANDON I blushed profusely. Hey It was JUST a pretend makeover with Miss BriBri, Fashionista Hairstylist to the Stars What could possibly go WRONG Okay. As long as its ONLY pretend I grumped. If I was lucky, this would keep Brianna occupied until Mom and Dad got home. And it was way LESS dangerous than us baking cookies and almost burning down the house. AGAIN YAAAY My first customer Brianna Miss BriBri cheered. Before I start, dahling, would you like something to drink Juicy Juice Hawaiian Punch Chocolate milk Chocolate milk would be nice, I answered. Hans Go get our customer, Miss Nikki, a glass of le chocolate milk Extra cold she commanded, looking at the teddy bear in the chair next to mine. The bear I mean Hans didnt move. Well She glared at him. Dont just sit there Go get zee milk for her. Now PLEASE Then she turned to me and laughed uncomfortably. Please excuse my assistant. Hans is new here. He speaks la French, but very little English. I looked at the teddy bear, looked back at her, and raised an eyebrow. Um okay I replied. I know just what to do with your hair, dahling Brianna said as she draped a bath towel smock around my shoulders. Now, just relax and let Miss BriBri work her magic Yes Hans, would you please grab that magazine and give it to— Oh, never mind Ill do it myself Brianna handed me a trendy teen fashion magazine to read, just like in a real salon. I was impressed. Until I realized she had swiped MY new Teen Thing mag from my room. The little THIEF But I had to admit, Miss BriBri, Fashionista Hairstylist to the Stars, seemed to know her stuff ME, READING WHILE MISS BRIBRI DOES MY HAIR Thats when I came across this very intriguing article about you guessed it GUYS That magazine article was just SHOCKING Only a guy who was a total LOSER would do those things. I felt really lucky I didnt have to deal with DDD (Dysfunctional Dude Drama) in my OWN life. I ripped out the magazine page, folded it, and stuck it in my pocket. You know, for future reference. Just in case. Suddenly I felt a tug on my hair. Then a huge yank Ouch I yelped. Brianna, WHAT are you doing Making you bootyful, dahling Zere eez no problem at all No, no Dont worry, please In spite of her assurances, I sensed a little uncertainty in that jackedup accent of hers. Next I felt another slight tug and then SNIP A choppedoff braid landed in my lap I gasped Then, with a trembling hand, I picked up the braid and PRAYED that it belonged to someone else. Like maybe Hans, that lazy, Frenchspeaking teddy bear assistant What is THIS I yelled at Brianna as I stared at it in horror. Nutting Nutting at all. I throw away Yes She snatched the braid from me and tossed it over her shoulder. There All gone Brianna Give me that mirror Now Or this game is SO over I screeched, my eyeballs bulging. Brianna handed it to me and giggled nervously. BRIANNA HANDS ME THE MIRROR Well, I took one look in that mirror and OMG I dont have the words to describe how BAD my hair looked. Maybe, um HIDEOUSALICIOUS Which is, like, ten times worse than just plain ol HIDEOUS I couldnt believe the HOT MESS I saw in that mirror. I thought my eyes were going to rupture and bleed from being exposed to such awesomely wretched UGLINESS (THAT WAS ME SCREAMING) And the back was even worse Just as I had suspected, a large chunk of hair was missing I seriously considered crawling around on the floor until I found my severed braid. Then Id place it in a bucket of ice and rush to the nearest emergency room to see if doctors could somehow surgically reattach it DOCTORS, PLEASE YOU NEED TO DO EMERGENCY SURGERY TO REATTACH MY BRAID BEFORE MY, UM HAIRFOLLICLE THINGIES DIE My hair My poor hair I sobbed. Brianna, Im so mad at you right now I could just ARRRRRGGH Dahling Please Calm down This is a notears salon But tipping IS allowed Miss BriBri grinned as she held out her hand. Got any loose change She expected payment I was beyond DISGUSTED Sorry But Id had quite enough of Brianna and her: 1. phoneybaloney French accent. 2. ugly haircuts. 3. lazy, nogood assistant, Hans Hair styled by Miss BriBri is always bootyful I take a PICTURE of your booty Brianna said as she grabbed my phone off of her dresser and set it to camera mode A blinding flash went off and I couldnt see a thing. Which was lucky for Brianna Because right then I was so mad I wanted to give HER a supercute and stylish haircut. With a chain saw Nikki, is this the button you press to send stuff Brianna asked. I wanna send this picture to Chloe and Zoey so I can get more customers Thats when I went from furious to LIVID Brianna, are you NUTS Youd better NOT send that picture of me to ANYONE Why not I need more customers to get more money. How am I supposed to pay Miss Penelope to be my shampoo Just give me back my phone I screamed, and snatched it from her. Mommy says sharing is a good thing Brianna shouted and grabbed it back. We yelled at each other and tussled over the phone for what seemed like FOREVER ME AND BRIANNA, FIGHTING OVER MY PHONE That, is, until we heard the phone go CLICK and then BEEP I had a total meltdown right there on the spot Theres a saying that a pictures worth a thousand words. Well, mine is worth a laughs I looked like a PSYCHOTIC, HOMELESS, um CLOWN whod accidentally stuck her finger in an ELECTRICAL SOCKET Chloe and Zoey immediately sent me LOL texts in response. They were always texting me funny pictures. But I was SUPERworried that after Brandon saw that photo, hed be so freaked out, hed NEVER want to hang out with me again He still hadnt called, emailed, or even texted me all weekend. I was seriously contemplating whether or not to try and superglue that hair chunk back on or just part my hair differently to try to hide the bald spot when my phone chimed. OMG I almost jumped out of my skin. It was a text from BRANDON Finally SQUEEE My heart was pounding as I read his text message. I actually read it, like, three times before his very cryptic message finally sank in. OH. NO. HE. DIDNT I closed my eyes tightly and groaned in despair like a mortally wounded, um gorilla or something. How could he do this to me I immediately recognised Brandons behaviour from that magazine article How to Know if a Guy Is Just NOT Into You: 1. He agrees to a date and then rudely cancels at the very last minute. 2. He simply texts you an apology instead of telling you in person. I crossed off both #1 and #2 from the list. Maybe Brandon was too embarrassed to be seen with a slightly goofy, majorly insecure who WASNT a CCP (Cute, Cool & Popular) like MacKenzie. Or maybe the thought of my dads exterminator van with a plastic bug on it the size of a large hog had made him lose his appetite. Permanently Suddenly I felt so STUPID What made me think Brandon would WANT to go anywhere with ME Anyway, for the past hour Ive been working on a new Crush Rejection Equation to try and figure out what happened. The calculations are SUPERcomplex. And who knows All of my hard work on this equation might one day earn me the Nobel Prize in maths BRANDON PLUS NIKKI DIVIDED BY A RANDON TEXT MESSAGE EQUALS HEARTBREAK Why is all of this guy stuff SO confusing I guess I could write in to my Miss KnowItAll advice column and ask myself for romantic advice. Especially since my two friends Chloe and Marcie begged me to let them take over my column for the entire month of February. Theyre doing a special Miss KnowItAll Crush Crisis Love Advice column, which means I have the entire month off. Anyway, heres my letter Dear Miss KnowItAll,
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