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Date: Tue, 9 Jun 2009 13:31:15 +0200
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Subject: [lojban-beginners] Re: Seizing my life
From: tijlan <jbotijlan@gmail.com>
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2009/6/9 Tom Gysel <to_mu1975@yahoo.com>:
> "Seizing my life in your hands,
> you trashed it clean on the
> savage rocks of Eternal Mind."
>
> A piece of a poem, which I translated as:
>
> do noi jgari le mi jmive le do xance
> pu darxi fi jy. ja'e jy. cu jinsa
> fe le cilce rokci po'e le cimni menli
>
> 1.Is my translation grammatically correct?
> 2.Do I need 'ku'o' at the end of 'noi...'? Or does the 'pu' close off
> everything ?

According to jbofi'e, "pu" is part of the noi clause, not of "darxi".
So, yes, you need "ku'o" (or "cu" alternatively).

You need to turn "jy. cu jinsa" into an abstraction sumti ("le nu
...") for it to be part of the tag "ja'e". You would also need the
terminator "kei" after the abstraction, to separate it from the
following "fe le cilce rokci".

> 3.Anything else I could have done better, or more elegantly?
> How would you have done it?

I would use "fau le nu ..." for "Seizing ..." so that "do" comes after
like the original "you" does.

"le mi jmive" means "a living/organic thing which is related to me".
To me "life" in this context seems to mean an event rather than an
organic thing. Maybe "lo mi nu jmive".

Here's my take:

fau le nu kavbu lo mi nunji'e le do xance kei
do vimri'a ny. sei curve fa'a le
cilce rokci ne le cimni menli

mu'o pempre mi'e tijlan