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Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2010 12:12:41 -0300
Message-ID: <925d17561003300812y58387aa6l74b4f667c90d2e50@mail.gmail.com>
Subject: Re: [lojban-beginners] Re: la blupinxe nunjamna
From: =?ISO-8859-1?Q?Jorge_Llamb=EDas?= <jjllambias@gmail.com>
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On Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 8:46 AM, Efrain Caro <betsemes@gmail.com> wrote:
> I hope you remember about this game. The vampires game and the "tasty"
> comments. I have been risking longer texts.
>
> ca lonu ca'o vofli klama fo lo munje kei to loma'a ruxse'i cu jai
> zifre sutra cai va lo tarci toi ma'a zvafa'i vo'a i loma'a ruxse'i cu
> se mixre i u'ecai kukte cai fa lo se lifri doi lomi carmi te gusni
> ruxse'i mensi
> ...(Flying around the universe, our souls free shooting among the
> stars, we find each other. Our souls mingle, our bloods mix.....
> Ohhhh so tasty an experience, my brightly shining soul sister!!!)
>
> I cannot help but to frown at this text. Something doesn't feel right,
> but I don't know how to correct it. The English might be incorrect
> too, but that's not my concern.

Some ideas:

If "we" is supposed to be just you and the sister, use "mi'o", not
"ma'a". You probably don't want a third party "mingling" with you up
there. :)

"Among the stars" should be "se ru'u lo tarci", but that unfortunately
is currently ungrammatical. I don't think "va lo tarci" works, with
any of the uses of "va". If you don't want to break the rules with "se
ru'u", you can use "fi'o sruri lo tarci".

Instead of the to...toi parenthetical I would personally go with
something like "fau lo nu lo mi'o ruxse'i cu ... kei".

mu'o mi'e xorxes

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