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From: Pierre Abbat <phma@phma.optus.nu>
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Subject: Re: [lojban-beginners] le virnu smani blozeile'a
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On Sunday 12 September 2010 17:08:42 Remo Dentato wrote:
> I've a first draft of the translation for a new jbove'a cukta.  The
> title is "The Brave Monkey Pirate"
>
> This is much more complex than the first on I made, so I expect to
> find a lot of mistakes in this draft. Some of the pages were above my
> level, I hope I've been able to render them more or less.
>
> You can find the translation here:
>      http://www.dentato.com/the-brave-monkey-pirate-jbo-review.pdf

p. 1: "Hayes" is pronounced /heiz/, so it should be Lojbanized as "eiz" 
or "xeiz".

p. 5: I'd restructure that sentence. "ni'o le blozeile'a po'u la modix. kansa 
le mamta le nu ..." I didn't understand "cmalu litru" (was he in a small 
boat? is he small?) and it doesn't match the sense of the original. How 
about "vricycuntu litru"? Why "modix" instead of "modis" or "modin"?

p. 8: "rainelci" is two words. I thought it was an error of jvozba, but it 
appears to be correct. Maybe you want "serai", though, as the object of "rai" 
would be the restaurant.

p. 9: Normally one says "le mamta be" rather than "le mamta po". Not that it's 
wrong, as one says "le mi mamta" because it's shorter, and that's equivalent 
to "le mamta pe mi".

p. 11: "lo skorbuti" means "someone who has scurvy". For the disease as such, 
you want "la skorbut." "le jinku befi la skorbut" does not make sense. lo 
jinku is something (not necessarily an injection; I've come up with "tatygre 
jinku" for "diathelic immunity") which causes the immune system to recognize 
some antigen as a pathogen and attack it, thus hopefully preventing a disease 
for many years. Scurvy is a deficiency disease, not an infectious disease. 
I'd use "nu je'erse'a". ("je'erse'atci", on the next page, means the 
syringe.)

p. 14: should be "tolcri da" or "facki fi da".

p. 17: I'd say "le dei lisri" instead of "le ta lisri". ta is something either 
at medium distance from me/us or near you.

p. 19: See comment on page 14. x2 of "facki" is a fact. There is such a thing 
as a sea spider, though it's not an arachnid. I think that the word 
for "crab" should be a fu'ivla, as even if "xasyjukni" refers to crustaceans, 
it's not specific to crabs.

p. 20: "ta" should be "ti". "ca'o le je'erse'a" should be "ca'o lo nu 
je'erse'a". "muvgau" doesn't make sense, but I'm not sure what the right word 
is.

Pierre
-- 
li ze te'a ci vu'u ci bi'e te'a mu du
li ci su'i ze te'a mu bi'e vu'u ci

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