Re: [lojban] lo jbove'a cukta

[Jorge Llambías <jjllambias@gmail.com>]

On Mon, Sep 6, 2010 at 6:35 PM, remod <rdentato@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> I've tried to translate one of the children books for which I provided
> links a couple of days ago.

.i'e

> To date it's the biggest effort I've made to write something in
> lojban. I would really appreciate if anyone could point out the many
> errors I've certainly made.
>
> Original file: http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/pratham-mooncap.pdf
> translation: http://www.dentato.com/pratham-mooncap-jbo-review.pdf

The only outright error I found is in this sentence, which needs a
"cu" (or "ku" if you prefer):

".i ca ki le bavla´i djedi ba'o lo nu mi fi le ckule CU klama kei le
mamta cu dunda lo carmi xunre mapku ku mi"

The rest of my comments are more a matter of opinion, so make of them
what you will:

1- I would use "jo'u" instead of ".e" for the title. Logical
connectives connect two bridi (in the case of sumti connectives, one
same bridi that applies to each of the sumti). With ".e" you would be
saying that some unspecified bridi is true of the moon and also true
of the cap.

2- "lo tersalci be me'e zo dasaras". I would prefer "lo tersalci po'u
la dasaras", but maybe it's just me.

3- You sprinkle your text with elidable "ku"s. All of them can be
elided. I'm not sure what the point is of eliding some but not all. If
for pedagogical reasons it's necessary to have them, then it would
seem to be reasonable to use them consistently and not here and there,
but that's just my opinion. I just find them distracting.

4- "le mapku cu vofli vu mi": I think you want "to'o mi". Even if you
use "vu" to tag the origin rather than the magnitude, that says where
the cap is when flying, not in which direction it is flying.

5- "lo jimca pe le tolci'o cesyfigre": I think "be" is better than "pe" here.

6- "ly catlu le mi mapku ga'u le tolci'o cesyfigre": "ga'u" here says
where the looking takes place, not where the cap is. I suggest
something like: "le mi mapku noi cpana le tolci'o cesyfigre"

7- "ba'o lo nu mi fi le ckule CU klama": I would prefer "ca lo nu mi
fi le ckule ba'o klama", but your use of "ba'o", while inconsistent
with how other tags are used, is officially approved.

mu'o mi'e xorxes

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