Re: [lojban] A Short Story

On 31 May 2013 20:16, selpa'i <seladwa@gmx.de> wrote:

la tsani cu cusku di'e

Hello everyone, I've just written a short story (~1000 words) in Lojban.

Yay, more Lojban text! :)

The pleasure is all mine! This is actually a "translation" from an old text of mine originally written in French. To be honest though, I've lost the original text, and I was going from memory, so I think that it's safe to say that it's really an original work in Lojban.

Please tell me what you think!

*SPOILERS*

It's a nice read, indeed. The story takes a rather sudden, and ultimately sad turn, despite the easygoing introduction.

My impressions, in bullet points, and uncensored:

* The comma as a structure mark seems to be taking root in lo jbogu'e

It's just such a nice thing to use to tell the listener, "OK here's the first sumti now that that huge tag is closed up". What's odd to me is that the pause *sounds* nicer if we place is *before* the kei, e.g. {.i ca lo nu mi ze'u tadni lo termu'eske noi mi je'a se cinri ke'a, kei mi mutce lo ni ce'u citka}.

* I see you're using {je} to connect sumti, but still used {gi'e} in another place. You also use {.e} somewhere. Maybe a remnant of your recent adoption of the proposal.

Yeah, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to use GIJA or CLL-connectives. I think I'll fix it up all over to use GIJA.

* Ah, {nonselkansa}. I see that you, like me, are reluctant to use {nonkansa} for "alone", despite its being shorter. {nonkansa} seems to just *scream* {kansa no da} (which even is a potentially useful meaning to have), so seeing {nonselkansa} here felt quite homey.

*Absolutely.* {nonkansa} just doesn't mean the right thing to me neither.

* I'm still not a fan of {goi} in literary works, but style is style, so I won't complain. However, the assigned ko'a and ko'e only get used three times each, and close vicinity of the assignment.

I agree, {goi} isn't pretty. It's convenient for encyclopedic works. I just didn't want to give the delivery men or the father names, but it turns out that I had to name the father. I think I'll remove {goi} from the text altogether.

(I wrote the text in one sitting, and without much post-production, so the linked text is really an "alpha version" if you will.)

* I saw some {me X mei} that surprised me, and I'm not sure they are correct/intentional: {lo me lo vorme mei cu tavysi'u}, for one. (I'd welcome some more discussion in the me SUMTI mei thread, because I've got some more things to talk about, but I understand that you are busy). Also, for some reason, there is some weird beauty to {mei} in {me X mei} (although I couldn't make sense of it), but I might simply need some sleep. It's really just a visual thing with {mei}, .u'e

{mei} is beautiful after all! ta'onai, it was supposed to be {moi}; this occurance of {mei} is actually just a simple typo. There is one place where I considered using {me X mei}, but I can't quite remember where... When I look over the text again, maybe I'll edit it in :)

* I like that you're taking more liberties (maybe because it's a literary work). The style is a bit more easygoing than your usual style.

My IRC style and my literary style are extremely different. Also, I tried to write this text as quickly as possible, without overthinking any of the bridi. In turn, they tend to be simple. (None of those 50-word sentences like in la .xacacin.!)

* It seems you are now on board with the na-scope.

I've been on board for a while now, actually. I just got used to using naku when I was undecided, and I still use naku a lot. Even in this text, don't I use {kakne be naku} somewhere? (I have some kind of incomprehensible appreciation for {kakne be naku co broda} as a formula.)

* Exclamation points! (in sai or cai sentences, could easily catch on)

Well, considering as the point of attitudinals is to match up tone and text, in cases where sai and cai are present, I feel that exclamation marks are more than welcome :)

* You tend to place {.i} after {lu}. I tend to never do so.

I've just internalized {.i} as "begin sentence" rather than "separate sentence" on a too-deep level at this point. I can't imagine people not saying {.i} when they begin to talk, at the occasional exception of attitudinals and GOhA.

* The {be} maneuver to rearrange places doesn't cause trouble. (One of my recent posts on my blog seems relevant though, "the x2 rule")

I've read your article, and I have a slightly different stance (at least with regards to {be}) which I explain in my post "Advanced Place Structure Mangling".

* {fi'o se casnu lo na'e te jimpe be fi lu'a lo mensi simxu} was amusing, in a good way. Obviously I wasn't amused by what happened after that.

I was going for something along the lines of {lo makcu prenu cu no roi jimpe} :P

* Lots of _nicknames_ in the story (sorry, couldn't resist :P)

Hehe, you're right, I should have called them {.murses.} and {.kensan.}.

* {lo vacri cu binxo lo ka se rirxe lo titla dukse ckafi} is beautiful.

I just love using {rirxe} metaphorically :) I do it in my translation of The Princess and the Pea, although there it is much less metaphorical.

Okay, that's it. Time for some sleep!

Thank you for sharing your story,

Thanks a bunch for your comments! They're very much appreciated. .i'o

.i mi'e la tsani mu'o