[lojban-beginners] My first work of translation

[Matt Arnold <mattarn@123.net>]

Dear Lojbanists,
I would like corrections for the following poem, which I have translated into Lojban. It is simply a translation for meaning, and does not attempt to preserve rhyme and meter. There are several places in it where I am unsure that I am using language features correctly, or using the right word order. I also struggled with negation, especially at the end. First the translation, then below a gloss, then after that the original poem.
-Matt Arnold, la epcat.

i zu'i dasni do
pemci fi la ancweidr.
i to doi zoi secau cilta ka'e dasni skamipli toi
i do poi le jbena limna ne'i le datni flecu cu dasni
du'i le secau troci le finrtroutu cu dasni lei djacu fepri
le cnino tadji tepi'o ka na nitcu le vacri
i ju'o le tradadji pe le jutsrsaiborgu cu ponse cnemu
i lei lenjo poi le kanla lojna vidni pe do
cu ca'o kurji poi do mutce le sedjuno le ji'i maldu'e ku'o
ga'a le ne'inai kampu prenu .i ku'i o'anai na mi mipri
le suksa ja lenku terpa mu'u la prenrludaitu
ki'u ca mi pensi le ka tavla jorne pe do
i ma vasru .i je ma pagbu
i mo'u mi terpa ni'i nu li re cu jmina
poi le ruxmalvi'u .e le dakfu
ka'enai zifre ze'u le sejundinai xadni


________________________________________


i zu'i dasni do
It-which-is-typical-for-this Wears You
pemci fi la ancweidr.
Poem by Ann Schwader
i to doi zoi secau cilta ka'e dasni skamipli toi
(Oh lacking-wire type-of able-wear type-of computer-person)
i do poi le jbena limna ne'i le datni flecu cu dasni
You, who-are born type-of swimmer in data type-of flow, wear
du'i le secau troci le finrtroutu cu dasni lei djacu fepri
as-much-as without-effort a trout wears mass-of water-lung
le cnino tadji tepi'o ka na nitcu le vacri
new method used-for-purpose the-property-of not need air.
i ju'o le tradadji pe le jutsrsaiborgu cu ponse cnemu
Certainly behavior-style pertaining to cyborg possesses rewards.
i lei lenjo poi le kanla lojna vidni pe do
Lenses with eye corner screen of you
cu ca'o kurji poi do mutce le sedjuno le ji'i maldu'e ku'o
continually takes-care such-that you are in much knowledge to approximately bad excess
ga'a le ne'inai kampu prenu .i ku'i o'anai na mi mipri
to observer: outside common people. However shamefully I don't keep secret
le suksa ja lenku terpa mu'u la prenrludaitu
sudden and cold fear exemplified by that-named Luddite
ki'u ca mi pensi le ka tavla jorne pe do
with-cause during I think about the talk joinedness of you.
i ma vasru .i je ma pagbu
What contains? And what is the component?
i mo'u terpa ni'i nu li re cu jmina
completive I fear the 2 are added
poi le ruxmalvi'u .e le dakfu
such-that removal bad spirit and knife
ka'enai zifre ze'u le sejundinai xadni
can not free such long un-attended-to body.


________________________________________


It Wears You
a poem by Ann K. Schwader

(to a wireless wearable computerite)
Born swimmer in the data stream, you wear
as effortlessly as a trout its gills
this latest means of never needing air.

No doubt the cyborg lifestyle has its thrills:
your spectacles with that eyecorner screen
keep you so well informed it's near obscene
to plebians without. I must confess,
however, to a sudden Luddite chill
when contemplating your connectedness:
which part is host, and which the parasite?

By now, I fear, the two are so enmeshed
that neither exorcism nor the knife
could liberate such long-neglected flesh.

_______________________________________________________
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