[lojban-beginners] Re: Picture book

["Michael Turniansky" <mturniansky@gmail.com>]

On Mon, Mar 31, 2008 at 10:49 AM, james riley <jimr1603@gmail.com> wrote:
> Hey all. As some as of you know, I completed my translation of a public
> domain picture book. You can find it here. http://cukta.bravehost.com/
> Project gutenberg has plenty of children's books that can be translated.
>  Chances are that a few errors remain. You know that I can be found here or
> in #lojban. Also, the mouseover text has not been translated. If you can't
> tell what the picture was supposed to be (and it is old enough to be out of
> copyright) then just mouseover. Sometimes I oversimplified, sometimes went a
> bit too complicated.
>

   Well-done.

    I have a few (okay, apparently a lot) comments/suggestions to make
things a bit closer to the original.  Yes, I know that's a "boy" in
the original, but if any modern day boy was dressed like that, I think
someone would want a long talk with their parents :-D .... On the
references of your last sentence:  "grute" is way too general for
grape.  As lojban.org is down right now, I don't know if there is
currently a specific word for grapes, but even selvanju might be a
better choice than just grute.  The building you have called a "dinju"
(church in the original) should be a "malsi".  And come on, three
"xrula" and  _seven_ pictures simply idenitified as "cipni"?  Some
fu'ivla definitely called for here. "tcati" should probably be "tcati
patxu" (similarly for ckafi -> ckafi patxu) .  "Filberts" are  nuts
("narge"), not just "spati"  (although I admit the picture doesn't
look very nutty).  Your "blaci" isn't actually "something made of
glass", but a "kabri joi botpi".  For strawberry, "jbari" is a better
choice than the generic "grute".

  Part II:
"ko viska lo bakni .e lo cmalu cifnu bakni"  Nothing exactly wrong
here, but I'd say the last bakni is unnecessary with the context.

"re ninmu cu cpacu lo xrula"  Not sure why you decided not to keep
"Aunt Mary and Maria", but "cpacu" should at least be "crepu".

"Betty is taking eggs to market" -> "la betis bevri lo sovda lo zarci"

"ko viska lo nu lo jipci cu sidju lo cifnu jipci lo nu citka" -> "ko
viska lo nu lo jipci cu ctigau lo cifnu"

 "Little Maria is saying her lessons" -> "la marias voi cmalu cu bacru
lo [my] selcli"

"lo xirma cu plipe":  You can add "ga'u lo garna" or perhaps even "fo
lo garna" (although that might imply it would bang into the rail)

You have a typo: "fimpe" -> "finpe".  (also, "tom" should properly be
"tam" to keep the English pronunciation)

"la djon cu bajra" -> "la djan cu sutra bajra gi'e kansa lo djine (or
cukla)".  You can also use "la djan cu sutra bajra fi'o kansa lo
djine/cukla", but that might be to advanced for a beginner book....

"la .elen cu kelci"  -> maybe "la .elen slilu kelci ga'ure'o lo skori"

"la .aris. cu kelci lo ri cifnu xirma".  Ponies aren't baby horses,
they are simply small horses.  Also maybe "selbei" rather then just
"kelci"?

"la .an cu dunda lo cidja lo jipci" -- nothing per se wrong here, but
we do have "ctigau" for "feed". (la .an ctigau lo jipci)

"ko viska lo nu kelci lo cmalu bolci"  The original doesn't have
"See..." -> "la tcarlz joi la eduard kelci lo cmalu bolci"

"la marias. cu dunda lo cidja loi melbi cipni pe la my" --  "la my" is
not what you want.  Use simply "my".  (and see previous comments about
"ctigau")

"la ualter cu dunta lo cidja lo ractu" -- You misspelled "dunda", and
in order to be consistent, use a period in front of and behind
"ualter" (and of course, see ctigau)

"la an. cu cpacu lo zumri":  What happened to Betsey?  You didn't like
her?  (la .an. joi la betsis.).  Use "crepu" rather than "cpacu", and
this use of "corn" does not zumri (maize), but in the older sense of
"grain" or "wheat" (as the picture shows), so use either "gurni" or
""maxri".  (also, again for consistency, use the period in front of
"an")

"lo mamta e lo cifnu cu dansu":  This is okay as is, but since they
are dancing together, maybe "joi" rather than "e" (and if you do use
"e" put a period in front of it, for consistency).

You have "cpanu", which is clearly a typo for "cpacu"

"la deimz cu kakpa fo lo tutci"  -> "la djeimyz. cu kakpa fo la canpa"
 (NB: "mz" isn't valid, even for names)

  (more later, after lunch, but a nice effort, cmacis).
                --gejyspa