| OK, encouraged by the lack of anybody saying no, here is a first bit of dialog to critique. (The explanation of POM and its current state is at http://www.tassos-oak.com/tempp/barsoomian.html) The audience's first sight of the princess, Dejah Thoris, is a scene that does not appear in the book. She is discovered on the deck of her flying yacht. Her crew chief approaches her carrying a toasty-looking chunk of machinery and the following dialog occurs: JARL THON coi noltru ti'u ga'i nai le ti nenli'i cupra a'onai spofu SUPER: Princess, this ray generator is hopelessly broken (O Princess, (meekness) the this-here energy-ray producer (hope-denial) is-broken ) ma'a na kakne lo ca'a cupra le lafti SUPER: We cannot continue to generate lifting force. (we-all not are-able-to the-really continued generation-of the-lifting ... does this need nu after lo?) DEJAH THORIS lo zu'o vofli cu renvi fi ma? SUPER: How long can we keep flying? (the-truly activity-of flying, endures how-long?) JARL THON le go'i mleca le cacra SUPER: Less than an hour. (The what-you-said is-less-than [default-1] hour) |