[lojban] Re: Borges Translation II

[Bob LeChevalier <lojban-out@lojban.org>]

Nick Bornak wrote:
> but as
> Borges came up I received something akin to a
> challenge:
>
> [jadenbane] Let neither tear nor reproach
> [jadenbane] Besmirch this decleration of the Master of
> God
> [jadenbane] Who with magnificent irony
> [jadenbane] Gave me both books and the night.
>
> I'm not nearly skilled enough in lojban to demonstrate
> a poetic translation of the above that also imitates
> the grammatical structure of the original, as skilled
> translators are wont to do.
>
> The translation I offer:
>
> [[
> lo cevni cu dunda mi
> lo cukta .e lo nicte
> serai lo ranxi
>
> .i e'usai lo dapma
> .e lo talsa na darsi
> xusra la'eda'u
> ]]
>
> It parses, of course, but there are a couple things I
> dislike about it.  The last line of the first stanza,
> which emphasized the irony at the end of the poem,
> becomes obnoxious in the translation, and also
> hyperbolic: the original certainly doesn't say or mean
> "superlative in irony".
>
> The only witty thing I feel was accomplished here was
> the use of {la'eda'u}, but I killed^Wstretched the
> meter to fit it in.  The stresses are all wrong, too.

I didn't feel I can seriously comment without trying it myself, at which 
point my attempt became my comment.

Here's my effort, along with the Spanish original (which I can't really 
read, though the matching roots are pretty obvious).

Nadie rebaje a lágrima o reproche
esta declaración de la maestría
de Dios, que con magnífica ironía
me dio a la vez los libros y la noche.

Let neither tear or reproach
besmirch this declaration of the mastery
of God who, with magnificent irony,
granted me both the gift of books and the night.

sekai lo ka driklaku najenai zugytalsa kei .ainai
la cevni .iocai ju'a ga'inaire'e cu catnyrai
gi'e dunda sekai lo ka balranxi kei fi mi .i'a
fe loi ka'e seltcidu cukta .e loi nicte tolvi'a


I attempted a more literal translation, for scansion using the same 
number of syllables in each line (ignoring a y-hyphen in the first line) 
along with a simple rhyme like the original Spanish (though rhyming 
different lines).  Attitudinals make such things easier, though they 
involve some degree of interpretation.

I chose to use more explanatory tanru in the last line, because I opine 
that Lojban poetry should err on the side of being less figurative (and 
because it made the line work much better).  The first line happens to 
illustrate how I think ainai and similar denial attitudinals should be 
used (to reinforce a negative assertion or characterization 
attitudinally - attitudinals are not logical operators), though I 
suspect that I probably haven't been all that consistent in my practice.

My main uncertainty was the intended meaning of maestria (mastery); I 
don't know the Spanish, but the English word could be understood as a 
form of catni or as a form of certu (or even se selfu, though that seems 
unlikely)

lojbab




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