Re: [lojban] le virnu smani blozeile'a

[Jonathan Jones <eyeonus@gmail.com>]

On Sun, Sep 12, 2010 at 3:08 PM, Remo Dentato <rdentato@gmail.com> wrote:

I've a first draft of the translation for a new jbove'a cukta.  The
title is "The Brave Monkey Pirate"

This is much more complex than the first on I made, so I expect to
find a lot of mistakes in this draft. Some of the pages were above my
level, I hope I've been able to render them more or less.

You can find the translation here:
    http://www.dentato.com/the-brave-monkey-pirate-jbo-review.pdf

It would be interesting for me to know how much of it is
understandable without looking at the original which is here:
  http://bluebison.net/books/monkey-pirate/pps/the-brave-monkey-pirate.pps

(note that the powerpoint presentation has one page more than the PDF
version at http://bluebison.net/books/monkey-pirate/the-brave-monkey-pirate.pdf,
that's why I started from that one).

Thanks for you corrections, comments and feedback.

Remo

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Typos:
{xaysjukni} on p.19: {xasyjukni}.

{ganlu} on p. 24: {ganlo}
{li ro} on p. 24: {li re}.


Okay, so this is all word choice matters, I didn't find anything wrong grammatically.

In {.i la modix. jo'u le mamta vu'o goi ko'a tervecnu lo stagi}:
Why did you use {lo stagi}, for "groceries", instead of {lo cidja}, {lo pinxe}, {lo cidja .e lo pinxe}, {lo se citka}, or {lo se xagji}?

In {gi'e cuxna lo cnino blozeile'a lanci betu'i le stakumfa}:
The living room is "a room in a home used... for leisure activities, entertaining guests, etc.; parlor.", and is also called the common room. I would suggest using either {lo kampu kumfa} or {lo kumfa bepa'u loka surla}, {lo kumfa betefi'e loka surla} , or {lo surla kumfa}.

In {... gi'e merli le ka lo my. ciblu cu danre kei ....}:
I would suggest instead {...gi'e merli le ni my. ciblu danre kei ....}, "the quantity of (the blood type-of pressure) of M".

In {gi'e darxi le my. cidni}:
You might want to consider specifying that the doctor is checking his knees, as {lo cidni} can refer to any hinged joint- {tuple cidni} or {tupcidni}.

In {...la modix. cu rere'u klama beki'u le jinku befi lo skorbuti .e zo'e}:
I suggest {...la.modix. cu xruti klama beki'u....} or {... xrukla beki'u....}.
Also, the English is "scurvy or something", but {lo skorbuti .e zo'e} is "scurvy and something". It should be {... .a zo'e}.

In {.i le blozeile'a beme'e la modix. na nelci le je'erse'atci}:
I suggest {... na nelci lo jesni pambe} or {... lo jespambe}.

In {.i ca le vanci ki le patfu po la modix. klama le zdani .i my. skicu le nu klama be le mikce briju kei le patfu}:
I suggest {... .ije my. skicu ....}.

In {.i la modix. selgidva le cartu gi'e litru lo traji cilce xamsi}:
I suggest {... le cartu ja'e lonu litru ....}.

In {rivbi lo cicfe'u cizda'u noi dukse be le selterpa bei lenu le ta lisri cu skicu}:
I suggest {... la selterpa ja'e lenu ...}, and you want {... lo ti lisri na skicu}.

In {.i la modix. mo'u klama le bisli badydi'u tu'i lo cpana cmana}:
I suggest {.i la.modix. to'e cliva ....} or {.i la.modix. tolcliva ....} or {... tolyli'a ....}.

In {.i ne'i le badydi'u ....}
I suggest {.i ne'i ri ....}, since the English is merely "Inside, ....". {ri} in this instance refers to {le bisli badydi'u tu'i lo cpana cmana}, unless I'm mistaken, in which case I'd suggest {ra}.

In {.i le xasyjukni mafcre cu cusku lu ... mi kei mi ta noi rokci cu dunda do ....}:
I suggest {... mi dunda lo ti rokci do ....}.

In {.i ca'o le je'erse'a ....}:
I suggest {.i ca'o lo jesni se pambe ...}.

In {... ku ganai do mutce jgari le rokci ....}:
I suggest {... do mutce danre jgari ....}.

In {... gi muvgau do ba'o le je'erse'a ....}:
I suggest {... gi do muvdu ba'o lo jesni se pambe....}

In {.i le mikce cu sanga lo narcladu ca'o le nu le je'erse'a cu bredi seva'u la modix.}
I suggest {... lo se pambe ....}.

In {.i la modix cu stali ba'o le je'erse'a}:
I suggest {lo se pambe cu mulno}.

In {.i la modix. terdunda lo biskruji ca'o le nu klama bele zdani}:
I suggest {.ije my. terdunda ....}.

-- 
mu'o mi'e .aionys.

.i.a'o.e'e ko klama le bende pe denpa bu

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