[lojban] A beginner's translation of the lyrics of Ashitaka and San

[sorpa'as plat <me@sorpaas.com>]

Hi, all! Recently I did a simple translation of the song Ashitaka and San. There must be many grammar mistakes and better ways to express it. Really looking forward to your comments and please help correct it. Great to join Lojban community!

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The Lojban version:

ni'o finti fa la'o py. ma,i py.
.i fanva fa la sorpa'as

doi ro lo sipna prenu vu le tumla
.i ri'a lo ka ganlo lo do kanla ku
do tirna le se cusku lo smaji
.i co'u le nu ka'e xruti le mamta zalvi
no'u le nu le cimnytei gusni klama le mamta zdani
cu so'i krici le nu mi'o jmive
.i le pacna be le ka jmive cu se lebna
.i viska le tsani
.i le prami te jorne do .e mi
giju mi do sepli
ni'a le pacna tsani

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The original Japanese version

はるか彼方に　ねむる人よ 瞳とじればひろがる
あの日のやさしい声

永遠の光が　土にかえるように
大地の　ゆるしが　とどくまで

しんじて ともに生きること
そして 生まれるつよさ

みあげて　遠くをはなれても
心をひとつにむすぶ　愛　希望のそら

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The English version from http://www.blogbus.com/elvenpath-logs/51060958.html

Oh, those who sleep in the faraway land
If you close your eyes, that day's gentle sound spreads

Until you obtain the earth's permission to return [1]
Like the light of eternity coming home to the soil

Believe and live
And the strength of life that springs from it

Raise your eyes
Even if we are rendered far apart
Our hearts are bound as one
Love [2]
The sky of hope

[1] I.e., to die.
[2] Noun.

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The Chinese version from http://tieba.baidu.com/p/2157783154

遥远彼方的沉眠之人啊
合上双眼便回荡耳际
昔日温柔静美的声响
永存之光芒归还于土地
直至将大地的宽恕尽数传达
我坚信 我们将一同生存下去
坚强也正由此而生
仰望天空
即使分隔一方
唯有爱将我们系于一体
在这希望的天空之下

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mu'o mi'e la sorpa'as

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