fi'i la sorpa'as
Le mardi 30 septembre 2014 17:20:59 UTC+9, sorpa'as plat a écrit :
Hi, all! Recently I did a simple translation of the song Ashitaka and San. There must be many grammar mistakes and better ways to express it. Really looking forward to your comments and please help correct it. Great to join Lojban community!
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The Lojban version:
ni'o finti fa la'o py. ma,i py.
.i fanva fa la sorpa'as
doi ro lo sipna prenu vu le tumla
---pinka---
- {vu le tumla} means "space separation distance of the length of terrain that is long," which is a new interpretation agreed by BPFK: http://www.lojban.org/tiki/BPFK+Section%3A+Distance . This is not the original text means.
- Use of {tumla} is {malglico}. The original text does not say whether the distant place is a terrain, sea, or sky.
- Use of {ro} is {malglico}. The original text does not say whether the addressed-to is/are all or some, singular or plural.
- Possible alternative:
{doi lo prenu noi vu sipna}.
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.i ri'a lo ka ganlo lo do kanla ku
do tirna le se cusku lo smaji
---pinka---
- This {ku} close {lo do kanla}, but not {lo ka ganlo}, and the second {do} is therefore in the {ka} clause as one of the terbri of {ganlo}.
Because the first {lo} structure is not closed, {tirna} is tertau, where the {ka} clause is seltau.
The whole structure does not form bridi:
.i [ri'a [lo [ka ganlo lo do kanla ku do] tirna] [le se cusku] [lo smaji]
- 使用{smaji}是有点{maljungo}. 原文不说"静美"只说"温柔".
- Possible alternative:
{.i ga'orgau lo kanla .inaja preja fa lo xendo voksa be de'i zu'i}
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.i co'u le nu ka'e xruti le mamta zalvi
no'u le nu le cimnytei gusni klama le mamta zdani
cu so'i krici le nu mi'o jmive
---pinka---
- I don't know which part of the original text corresponds to {zalvi}. May be you wanted {dertu}?
- {so'i krici} forms a sumti, and cannot follow {cu}.
- There is no selbri in the second {nu} clause, and this results in a syntax error.
- {mi'o jmive} 是有点{maljungo}. 原文说"在一起",但不说谁生存下去.
- Use of {klama} is {malglico} and {maljungo}. The original text "土にかえる" means rather that becomes soil again, based on the idea that living things originate in soil, and dead things become again soil.
- Possible alternative:
{.i pe'a lo cimnytei gusni cu za'u re'u co'a dertu
i pu ze'a lo nu lo tumla nu curmi cu tolyli'a ku
sei ko'oi krici se'u nu jmive kansa}
(The original text is enough ambiguous that the last part is interpreted as parallel connective as well as imperative. Considering the harmony with the next verse "みあげて...", I selected an interpretation of imperative. {ko'oi}, which means the most general imperative, is an experimental cmavo of selma'o UI; I cannot find any suitable translation without using it.)
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.i le pacna be le ka jmive cu se lebna
---pinka---
- I don't know which part of the original text corresponds to this sentence. A translation of the part "そして 生まれるつよさ" should be inserted here.
- Possible alternative:
{.ije jbena ni tsali}
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.i viska le tsani
.i le prami te jorne do .e mi
giju mi do sepli
ni'a le pacna tsani
---pinka---
- 说{viska le tsani}是有点{maljungo}. 原文不说"天空",只说"仰望".
- {le prami te jorne} forms sumti.
- Do you use {giju} as something under an unofficial grammar? Officially {gi} is used with a forethought connective. In any case, it is unclear which structures are connected with {giju} here.
- Use of {mi} and {do} is {malglico} and {maljungo}. The original text does not say who or whom.
- 使用{ni'a}是有点{maljungo}. 原文不说"在...之下".
- Possible alternative:
{.i sei ko'oi ga'u viska se'u va'o ku'i lo nu darno sepli ku
lo se cinmo gau jorne pamei .i ka prami .i pacna tsani}
(As you thought of {ju}, "A ても B" can be translated as {A .iseju B} or {segu A gi B}, but it seems to me that the original text says nothing about the case of not-A; it's only my feeling, though. I used therefore rather {va'o ku'i}.)
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The original Japanese version
はるか彼方に ねむる人よ 瞳とじればひろがる
あの日のやさしい声
永遠の光が 土にかえるように
大地の ゆるしが とどくまで
しんじて ともに生きること
そして 生まれるつよさ
みあげて 遠くをはなれても
---pinka---
Actually singers don't sing "を" here. Also from a semantic point of view, this "を" should be removed.
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心をひとつにむすぶ 愛 希望のそら
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The English version from http://www.blogbus.com/elvenpath-logs/51060958.htmlOh, those who sleep in the faraway land
If you close your eyes, that day's gentle sound spreads
Until you obtain the earth's permission to return [1]
Like the light of eternity coming home to the soil
Believe and live
And the strength of life that springs from it
Raise your eyes
Even if we are rendered far apart
Our hearts are bound as one
Love [2]
The sky of hope
[1] I.e., to die.
[2] Noun.
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The Chinese version from http://tieba.baidu.com/p/2157783154遥远彼方的沉眠之人啊
合上双眼便回荡耳际
昔日温柔静美的声响
永存之光芒归还于土地
直至将大地的宽恕尽数传达
我坚信 我们将一同生存下去
坚强也正由此而生
仰望天空
即使分隔一方
唯有爱将我们系于一体
在这希望的天空之下
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mu'o mi'e la sorpa'as
mi'e la guskant mu'o