[lojban-beginners] Re: Newbie help please - music lyrics

["Jorge Llambías" <jjllambias@gmail.com>]

On Wed, Apr 2, 2008 at 9:24 AM, LakMeer Kravid <lakmeerkravid@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> I was reading about vlivla, and came up with a song inspired by jvijva
> (defined as per the 'vlivla' node on the wiki). So here is draft one
> of "le jvijva: The Rules of The Game":
> (Warning: anti-religious themes, thats just me, no offense meant)
>
> le zgivo'a pe le fetcei cu
> dunda lo nanmu le xarxei
> .i a'onai go'i jvijva
>
> .e'unai .e'unai le jvijva
>
> le midvo'a pe le jdaka'i cu
> dunda lo nanmu le xarxa'i
> .i a'onai go'i jvijva
>
> .e'unai .e'unai le jvijva
>
> kajde ko jdatib
>
> If anyone could tell me what I've just written, I'll tell you what it
> was *supposed* to say and we can work from there. It'd be a great help
> both to my lojban and my songwriting.
> Also apologies for spawning random lujvo. Its for rhythmic purposes.

I won't attempt a translation, but here are some comments:

1- Notice the order of the arguments in {dunda}: x2 is the thing given,
x3 is the receiver. It makes some sense in the first case: "gives men
to the imaginary-hater" but not so much in the second case with
the weapons.

2- Do you really want "man" as in {nanmu}, or as in {remna}?
Being a religious theme I expect something more general, or
at least I would want to know who are the women given to
(or what are they given).

3- {lo xebni} is not hate but someone who hates, in case you
mean it as the object given rather than the receiver of the gift.

4- You can use {le voksa be da} for someone's voice.
{pe} is not wrong, but the resulting association is not as
straightforward as when using the x2 of {voksa}.

5- {go'i jvijva} is a tanru, where {go'i} modifies {jvijva}. Not wrong,
but perhaps you want {di'u jvijva}.

6- You need {doi jdatib} to mark the name as a vocative. The
name by itself is ungrammatical there.

mu'o mi'e xorxes