[lojban] Re: le virnu smani blozeile'a

[Lindar <lindarthebard@yahoo.com>]

1. Dotside on {.modix.} missed almost consistently throughout the
book. Also, cmavo x1 is a quote, not a name. Modix isn't a name, Modix
is a person. zo .modix. is a name.
2. Would change *{gi'e cuxna lo cnino blozeile'a lanci betu'i le
stakumfa} to *{gi'e cuxna lo cnino blozeile'a lanci kei mu'i lo nu
jadni le stakumfa}.
3. *{rainelci} is two words. You need to have a consonant cluster
within the first five letters or it breaks apart. {rairnelci} is
probably what you want.
4. Slightly confused... this isn't the pirate's mother, it's just a
motherly person who owns this child? (( {le mamta po le blozeile'a
beme'e la .modix.} ))
5. lo se cipra ku se ckaji gi'enai fatci
6. lo se merli ku klani gi'e nai ckaji
7. darxi le my. cidni should be darxi le be my. cidni or darxi le
cidni be my. cos it's actually his knee.
8. .i le mikce cu ciksi le du'u ti'u le bavlamdei la .modix. cu rere'u
klama beki'u le jinku befi lo skorbuti .e zo'e
I don't think ti'u is what you should use there. Should be {ca lo
bavlamdei}. You also don't need that {be} there for {ki'u} cos it's
already attaching to the main sumti. However, ki'u requires an
abstractor (it's a modal of krinu, so look at the definition of krinu
to make sure you're using it correctly).
9. Again, patfu po la .modix. ? So the mother and father own the
child, rather than... mothering and fathering it... or...?
A. Probably {xrukla le zdani}, returns home.
B. le nu klama be <----- don't need that there. Inside absractions
it's a brand new bridi.
(I see this multiple times in the story)
10. le my. patfu... still confusing me...
11. .i ganai do mutce virnu le nu klama be le mikce gi do ba terdunda
lo biskruji - No {be} needed right there.
12. gi'e rivbi lo cicfe'u cizda'u noi dukse *be* le selterpa *bei*
lenu le ta lisri cu skicu - Didn't need BE in there either. se rivbi
is an abstraction. Also, a wildangry crazyanimal is a strange
construct, and would probably confuse the target audience (children/
new learners?)... maybe make it a higher scoring lujvo, or just use
tanru? Either way, I don't think one of those could be excessive in
frightening things. Perhaps frightening-ness, though. I think you need
{ka} in there. The last part I don't even understand (le ta lisri cu
skicu). In fact, I don't think that's grammatical, cos you already
have a selbri (rivbi), so... this whole thing needs to be redone as
none of it really makes sense.
13. The ice fort should be noi cpana lo cmana. tu'i is for marking
letters.
14. He should actually say {ti noi rokci} as he's the one holding it.
15. ca'o le je'erse'a ku doesn't actually make sense. During the
needle? The whole section here I can't actually read. This also
happens a lot in the story. A needle is not an event, and when you
tcita a time tense, it needs to be an event/date.
16. narcladu, not smaji?
17. It's not during the needle being ready, it's while the needle is
being readied. Perhaps rephrase that part? It's a bit confusing.
18. Should be {le kalgai be la .modix.}.
19. {ganlu} isn't a word.
1A. Aside from a few grammatical fumbles, your writing is very clear
and readable. This is really good reading material for children and
beginning learners. I had fun reading through the first book you
translated.
1B. Seriously, keep up the work. It's awesome, and your initiative is
what motivates me to help out.
20. Once you get the hang of this and translate a few more, you should
write your own. We have a few artists (including a blossoming myself)
that could do the illustrations.

All in all, great job. Keep up the good work.
Would constructively criticise again. A++

-- 
You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "lojban" group.
To post to this group, send email to lojban@googlegroups.com.
To unsubscribe from this group, send email to lojban+unsubscribe@googlegroups.com.
For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/lojban?hl=en.