Re: [lojban] Re: le virnu smani blozeile'a

[Remo Dentato <rdentato@gmail.com>]

On Mon, Sep 13, 2010 at 5:25 AM, Lindar <lindarthebard@yahoo.com> wrote:
> 1. Dotside on {.modix.} missed almost consistently throughout the
> book. Also, cmavo x1 is a quote, not a name. Modix isn't a name, Modix
> is a person. zo .modix. is a name.

I thought that comma was mandatory only before a wovel, even for
names. I've added them all now.  Also moved to "zo". I made the same
mistake with the other translation. I hope I've learned it by now.

> 2. Would change *{gi'e cuxna lo cnino blozeile'a lanci betu'i le
> stakumfa} to *{gi'e cuxna lo cnino blozeile'a lanci kei mu'i lo nu
> jadni le stakumfa}

.
> 3. *{rainelci} is two words. You need to have a consonant cluster
> within the first five letters or it breaks apart. {rairnelci} is
> probably what you want.
yep. I missed that!

> 4. Slightly confused... this isn't the pirate's mother, it's just a
> motherly person who owns this child? (( {le mamta po le blozeile'a
> beme'e la .modix.} ))
I've been suggested to switch to "be" so that {le mamta be le
blozeile'a ...} would mean "the mother of the pirate ...

> 5. lo se cipra ku se ckaji gi'enai fatci
Ok, it says x2 of cipra can be a property or an event/state. I'll use
"nu" as in " test the state of my being healty"

> 6. lo se merli ku klani gi'e nai ckaji
I had (and still have some) doubt on merli. I've been suggested to use
"merli le ni ciblu du'u danre kei". Would this cover what you say?


> 7. darxi le my. cidni should be darxi le be my. cidni or darxi le
> cidni be my. cos it's actually his knee.
I'm not sure why be is needed here. Wouldn't be ok to say "darxi le
my. tupcidni" (to indicate the knee, not just an articulation) ?

> 8. .i le mikce cu ciksi le du'u ti'u le bavlamdei la .modix. cu rere'u
> klama beki'u le jinku befi lo skorbuti .e zo'e
> I don't think ti'u is what you should use there. Should be {ca lo
> bavlamdei}. You also don't need that {be} there for {ki'u} cos it's
> already attaching to the main sumti. However, ki'u requires an
> abstractor (it's a modal of krinu, so look at the definition of krinu
> to make sure you're using it correctly).

> 9. Again, patfu po la .modix. ? So the mother and father own the
> child, rather than... mothering and fathering it... or...?
Yep, I've (hopefully) fixed that using be

> A. Probably {xrukla le zdani}, returns home.
I like "xrukla". Maybe I should use it for "returnig to the doctor"
too in the previous pages

> B. le nu klama be <----- don't need that there. Inside absractions
> it's a brand new bridi.
> (I see this multiple times in the story)
You're right, I've fixed that.

> 10. le my. patfu... still confusing me..
I've seen it used many times. CLL says that using pro-sumti this way
means "of.."

> 11. .i ganai do mutce virnu le nu klama be le mikce gi do ba terdunda
> lo biskruji - No {be} needed right there.

> 12. gi'e rivbi lo cicfe'u cizda'u noi dukse *be* le selterpa *bei*
> lenu le ta lisri cu skicu - D.. this whole thing needs to be redone as
> none of it really makes sense

THis is what I have now:
 {rivbi lo cicfe'u cizda'u noi
           dukse loka selterpa kei loka le lisri ka'e skicu}

which is grammatical in the sense that it parses without errors.

The idea is that ferocious monsters (I took the words from the
jbovlaste, so it should easy for newcomers to understand them) are
excessive in their property of being freightful respect to the
standard of what can be described in the story.
.
> 13. The ice fort should be noi cpana lo cmana. tu'i is for marking
> letters.
I tought tu'i is for places. Anyway I switched to bu'u now

> 14. He should actually say {ti noi rokci} as he's the one holding it.
RIght!

> 15. ca'o le je'erse'a ku doesn't actually make sense. During the
> needle? The whole section here I can't actually read. This also
> happens a lot in the story. A needle is not an event, and when you
> tcita a time tense, it needs to be an event/date.
I need to revise the entire injection/syringe thing ...

> 16. narcladu, not smaji?
smaji is the word! I missed it.

> 17. It's not during the needle being ready, it's while the needle is
> being readied. Perhaps rephrase that part? It's a bit confusing.
... yep, the injection thing really needs to be revised...

> 18. Should be {le kalgai be la .modix.}.
yep
> 19. {ganlu} isn't a word.
It was a typo for ganlo (closed)

> 1A.
> 1B.
Thanks! :)

> 20. Once you get the hang of this and translate a few more, you should
> write your own. We have a few artists (including a blossoming myself)
> that could do the illustrations.
That would be great but I'm not really at the point when I can do
that. Not considering my lack of artistics abilities :)

> All in all, great job. Keep up the good work.
> Would constructively criticise again. A++

Thanks Lindar. Actually I feel I'm learning a lot by making all these mistakes.
Thanks for the patience :)

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