coi selpa'i
These are questions about details in your translation that somehow puzzled me. Maybe they are of some use to you. Some are issues of pragmatics, some are probably my not understanding your language usage.
I should mention that I haven't read the original, though I am naturally familiar with the general plot. Also, I am reading a version I downloaded last year, soon after you announced the work.
Chapter 1
1. {lo zdàni cu kàndi gi'e grùsi kei du'i tu'a ro dràta};
Why the {tu'a}? To me, it is quite normal for dunli1 and dunli2 to be simple objects.
2. {lo re da ca lo nu fa'a càtlu cu vìska lo cmàlu bòxna};
Is {lo re da} any different from {lo re mei}?
3. {la .tòtos. cu plìpe fi lo bìrka be dy gi'e sezymìpri ni'a lo ckàna};
Two things make me uneasy about the choice of {sezymipri}. Firstly, because I think mipri2 would be {lo du'u vo'a zvati ma kau}. Secondly, because I don't think there is any mipri3 to hide from in this particular case.
What about {sezyselmragau}?
4. {bàjra ru'u bu'u lo kùmfa fau lo nu zvàti nu'i ge ca pa da ti nu'u gi ca pa de ta fau lo nu clàdu cmòni};
4.1 Why you use {pa} instead of the elidable {su'o}? It seems to me that the relevant thing is just that Toto is moving around. Also, as I imagine the situation, it seems likely that Toto would be "here", or "there", more than once.
4.2 Toto only barks when he is "there", right? Otherwise you could put a {nu'u} between {ta} and the second {fau}.
5. {dy cìnmo lo ka sèpcni mùtce};
This is actually a more general question, since this construction recurs. To me, a sentence like the above one wouldn't be any different from {dy sepcni mutce}. I am guessing you have a more refined interpretation of {cinmo}. Can you quickly explain it, or give some pointer?
mu'o nai
mi'e .asiz.