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Re: [lojban-beginners] "The Beautiful Future". Version 3 (was "One popular Russian song in Lojban")

The first verse is great.
The refrain is great, except that I'd suggest seeing if you can use {co'a} as a tense for the last {klama}.

{tutre} doesn't appear to be a word, and {tutra} doesn't seem to make sense in its place. Be aware that the first two lines indicate {lo voksa cu klacpe lo tcemanci tutre}.

{cpedu} is more like просит than like спрашивает. The second half of the second verse is ungrammatical because it doesn't have a main selbri. {ca lu ...} means that {junri cpedu} is happening at the same time as {lu ...}, whatever that means.
It's just barely okay not to terminate {lu} because you're in a song and a new verse is starting, but in conversation, this would be confusing.

The last line of the second verse isn't what you meant: first of all, {pu do gunka} means "work before you" and since "you" is not a point in time, it doesn't make much sense; second, tags continue to increase if not explicitly tagged, so you have {fi lo balvi zmadu pu do gunka fo ma}, which doesn't make sense since {gunka} doesn't have a fourth place.

The first part of the last verse is great.
The last line of the last verse seems wrong, though. I still don't like {pa'o} when what you really mean is {mo'i re'o} or {ve ka'a}, and {lo no farna barna pluta} means that the path doesn't exist, not that the trace doesn't exist.

Thank you very much for doing this, and I look forward to your next attempt, which will probably be ready or almost ready.

On Sat, Sep 24, 2011 at 7:50 AM, gleki <gleki.is.my.name@gmail.com> wrote:
So here is my new translation.


Please check this one.


VERSION 3.


tirna fa mi fe lo melbi balvi voksa
ku noi jbini fe lo cerni dirgo ku
.i da voksa .ije du'i lo nu vofli
ku lo trina pluta ku macri'a mi


.i doi lo melbi balvi
ku ko fe mi na jursa
.i pe'u doi darbalvi
ko jimpe fi mi
.i fe lo klina krasi
ku fi lo melbi balvi
.e lo nu manci balvi
ku klama ca fa mi


tirna fa mi fe lo melbi balvi voksa
ku noi klacpe lo tcemanci tutre ku
.i lo voksa ku noi junri cpedu ca lu
fi lo balvi zmadu pu do gunka ma


.i mi nupre lo nu mi ba vrude zmadu
gi'e sidju lo mi pendo ku ro roi
.i da voksa .ije sutra klama fa mi
pa'o lo no farna barna pluta ku

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mu'o mi'e .arpis.

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