Nice work! I could see a few syntax issues, but I think Wuzzy's addressed all of them.
As it happens, I'm also a huge fan of learning languages through translating song lyrics (trying to force a translation to fit the poetic constraints of a song is definitely a good way to develop flexibility in a new language), and I did my own Lojban translation of this song a few weeks ago at the height of its YouTube fame. I've posted my translation below, if you're interested in comparing notes — it's not necessarily better or worse, just very different (we managed not to have a single line in common!) I was a bit less picky about exactly matching the syllable count of the original (I noticed that in some of the official translations, the singers are packing in almost half as many syllables again as in the English version), but I did try quite hard to preserve the rhyme pattern of the original. Let me know what you think :)
lo snime vi lo cmana ca The snow on the mountain
lovi nicte cu carmi tonight is intense.
.i ni'aku lo sepli gugde Below, an isolated land
cu se turni .a'onai mi is governed by [sigh] me.
.i le brife cu savru setai The wind is a senseless clamour, like
lo se cinmo be mi the emotions that I feel.
.i mi na'epu'i vasru I could not contain.
.i le lizycro ca bartu Now the pain is out.
.i ko sezymipri .i ko se'itro Hide yourself. Control yourself.
.i ko fanta lonu roda djuno Prevent everyone from knowing.
.i ko nalfli .i mi flimulno Do not fail. I've failed completely.
.i roda djuno Everyone knows.
.i ri'e mi zifre No holding back, I am free!
.i .e'ibu'onai na ba mipri No more constraints, no more hiding!
.i ri'e mi zifre No holding back, I am free!
.i mi ze'eba na badri I will never again be sad.
.i mi na selra'u I'm not bothered
makau poi se cusku by what is said.
.i .au vilti'a I want a storm!
.i mi ze'eca nelci loli'i lenku I've always liked being cold.
.i mi se zdile lodu'u I am amused by the fact
lo darno cu cmamlu that distant things seem small.
.ije lo se terpa poi vlipa And the powerful fears
cu no'e vlipa caku aren't powerful now.
.i mi ca te cipra loka I am now tested to see
ce'u makau kakne .e'inai.ua what I can do. Whoa, what a challenge!
.i losi'o toldra .e losi'o drani Wrong and right
na srana mi are not relevant to me.
.i ri'e mi zifre No holding back, I am free!
.i canaka'e sisti tu'a mi It's impossible to stop me now.
.i ri'e mi zifre No holding back, I am free!
.i mi toltinbe loi javni I defy the rules.
.i mi vi sanli I stand here.
.i mi vi stali I stay here.
.i .au vilti'a I want a storm!
.i mi dirce lomi makfa I radiate my magic
tebe'i lo dujvanbi into the frozen environment.
.i lomi pruxi cu majbi'o My soul takes form in
lo xrula bisli fraktali in flowering ice fractals.
.i pa sidbo co'a menfau One idea begins to form,
ja'e lo croru'i it pains the soul.
.i mi ze'eba na'e xrukla I will never return.
.i na jurpei lo purci No dwelling on the past.
.i ri'e mi zifre No holding back, I am free!
.i mi carmi setai lo tarci I blaze like a star.
.i ri'e mi zifre No holding back, I am free!
.i co'u noltru co prane The end of a perfect princess.
.i mi vi sanli I stand here
va'o lo cergu'i in the morning light.
.i .au vilti'a I want a storm!
.i mi ze'eca nelci loli'i lenku I've always liked being cold.
mu'o mi'e .djeikon.